Author: Lily

Fifty-Two Weeks of Adventure #9: Illegal Activities

I mentioned last week that I had another big adventure to share from our time in Seoul, but I wanted to make it it’s own post instead of lumping it in with the last one.

Last weekend in Seoul, I did something illegal. I got my first tattoo.

tattoo2

This was taken a few hours after I got it.

 

 

Tattoos are technically illegal in Korea. Only licensed doctors are permitted to administer tattoos to “patients.” And I seriously doubt this guy was a licensed doctor. So my tattoo is definitely illegal.

I think this might be the first time I’ve broken the law knowingly. Thankfully, it’s the kind of thing that law enforcement seems to turn a blind eye towards most of the time. I’ve seen numerous tattoo shops in with visible signs in Daegu and the place I went in Seoul had a big sign outside and has a nice website.  Every once in a while the police will decide to enforce this law (like they did at the international Inkbomb Tattoo Convention in Seoul last summer), but for the most part it’s a crime the way jaywalking is in the US.

Korean culture is still very conservative in many ways and for a long time tattoos were associated with gang membership. Nowadays this is changing a little bit, but it’s still fairly uncommon to see a Korean person with a tattoo and the law still stands.

So basically, my tattoo makes me feel like a bad-butt* on many levels.

[*I may be tatted up, but that’s no excuse to talk like a sailor! 😉 ]

The Story

I like (tasteful) tattoos. I’ve always liked them, even when I was in my self-righteous judgey phase, it was just a secret then. I’ve never gotten one before because I’d never thought of a design I was confident about having on my body forever. I felt that a tattoo should be meaningful, not just something I thought looked cool. (Not that there’s anything wrong with having a tattoo for the sake of the art, I just wanted mine to have a specific meaning).

There have been several times over the past few years that I’ve looked at pictures of other people’s tattoos and thought about what it would be like to get one and invariably I would dream that night that I’d gotten one and was freaking out because I regretted  it. This subconscious reaction made me think I might never actually feel comfortable about getting one. At the very least, I knew if I ever did it wouldn’t be a spur-of-the-moment decision – it would have to be something I had no doubts about.

A few months ago I started working on a book. It’s a spiritual memoir that is centered on the work of grace in my life. As I started writing and dwelling on grace , I realized that grace is the thing that has marked me most profoundly. And it was suddenly clear to me that I wanted grace to mark my body the way it has marked my life.

For a few weeks after I first had the idea I used a marker to write the word on my wrist to see how I felt about seeing it there before I did something permanent. From the first moment that I did it, it felt natural. It reminded me constantly of God’s work in my life. I looked at it and I thought, “Of course. This belongs here.”

I didn’t have any plans to do it quickly, but I asked a friend who had gotten a tattoo in Korea where she’d had hers done and she told me the name of the shop in Seoul. We were already scheduled to go to Seoul a few days later. I asked Jonathan what he thought and he said, “If you’re ready, go for it.” So I did.

From the moment I walked into the shop I felt completely at peace. I haven’t had a moment of doubt or wondered at all if it was the right decision.

The Process

Before this I didn’t really know very much about the process of getting a tattoo, so I thought I’d share that as well in case you’re curious.

When we arrived a very old man greeted us. I think he is the shop owner, but at first I was like, “Um….is this old guy really the tattoo artist?” (He wasn’t).

My dear friend Asharae Kroll is a super-talented photographer, food blogger, and hand-letter artist and she custom-designed the lettering for me. Not only is it super beautiful, but it’s also even more meaningful to me to have a one-of-a-kind tattoo designed by my friend.

There was a young girl who did all the prep work for the tattoo. I’d sent a file with the lettering Asharae created and she printed it out in different sizes and had me choose one. After this, the girl traced the lettering on the back side of the paper in some sort of ink that would transfer onto my skin. Then she cleaned my arm with tons of disinfectant and drew a box in the exact place I wanted the tattoo. She rubbed some kind of petroleum jelly-like gel onto my arm and then pressed the stencil she’d made in place. The first time I wasn’t completely happy with the positioning, so we started over and did it again.

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After that I had to wait 10 or 15 minutes for the stencil to completely dry and that’s when the actual tattoo artist showed up – a man who was maybe in his early 30’s. I laid on a table with my arm out to the side and he showed me the brand new needle he was using and then went to town.

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IMG_7940Did it hurt? Honestly, it hurt as much as I expected it to. It didn’t feel good, but it wasn’t extremely painful. It’s a sharp stinging feeling, most similar to the way laser hair removal or some other laser procedure feels. The good thing is that he was only tattooing each little section for 10-15 seconds at a time. So just when it would get to the point where it was getting hard to sit still, he would stop and wipe off that spot and move over a bit. Since it’s pretty small, the entire thing took about 20 minutes to ink. It hurt while he was doing it and stung for about an hour afterwards. It has not hurt at all since then although for the first few days it was tender if my clothes rubbed it or I bumped it. It never really turned red and it didn’t hurt at all if I wasn’t touching it. I had to keep it clean and put lotion on it several times a day, but otherwise it was hardy noticeable.

Now, a week later, it’s mostly healed and is smooth to the touch instead of raised like it was initially. It feels like it’s always been there – like it was meant to be part of me.

grace

This is what it looks like today. It’s still peeling a little bit but mostly healed. Also, thanks to this picture I am now self-conscious about how hairy my forearms are.

If you have an adventure to share, add your link to the link-up by clicking the button below. You can participate in all of the adventures or you can just do a few – no pressure. If you missed last week’s adventure you can find it here. And if you are new to my Fifty-Two Weeks of Adventure project you can find out more about it here.

What I’m Into : February 2015 Edition

February is the shortest month of the year, but it always manages to feel like one of the longest to me. It’s still unpleasantly cold and very gray, but all the holidays are over as is my vacation so it just feels like this never-ending blah month. One good thing about February is that since it’s not a great time to do outdoor activities, I spend a lot of time reading, writing, and catching up on shows. As always, I am linking up with Leigh Kramer for this post.

What I’m Reading:

I read six books this month (hurray!) for a total of 11 so far this year not including the two manuscripts I read for friends which has me ahead of pace for my goal of 60 this year. Follow me on Goodreads to see more ratings and reviews.

Still Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith Crisis by Lauren F. Winner. I wanted to like this, but I just didn’t love it. Some parts of this book were so good and so helpful – especially parts about how most of life is lived in the middle – in the in-between of beginnings and endings. Winner writes about her divorce and the impact that had on her spiritual life. There were parts of this that were brilliant, but there were also parts where the author felt distant to me – writing about deeply personal experiences but somehow holding us at arms’ length, unable to see her real reactions, feelings, and motivations. I know others who have loved this book, but for me each chapter was hit-or-miss.

eleanor and park Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell. This YA book had been recommended to me by many people and I finally read it this month. It’s precious. A love story for the ages, but with real characters in real and difficult situations. I was enchanted.

 

 

Maisie Dobbs Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear. This book was pretty highly recommended by a few people I know and also got pretty positive reviews from the critics, so maybe my hopes were too high, but for me it was only OK. Maisie Dobbs is a private detective living in post WWI London helping to solve mysteries and heal the wounds of many affected by the war. More than half of this book ends up being a prolonged flashback of Maisie’s life story. I think it would have been much more effective to include these as snippets throughout the book instead of stepping away from the present and spending 60% of the book on the past. I also felt no connection to Maisie herself – she’s this very generic heroine who always does the right thing and is beautiful and clever and kind and bland as white toast. I know this book is the beginning of a series, so other books in the series are probably more straightforward mysteries, but I really didn’t love it. It wasn’t a terrible book, I just didn’t think it was anything special and I found myself wishing for it to be over faster the whole time.

wild Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed. Strayed is a good writer and honestly quite masterful at interweaving present action with flashbacks. My biggest qualms with this were, unfortunately, a distaste for her personality as conveyed in the book, which is the hard thing about memoirs. At the beginning of the book she is 26 years old and recently divorced and is hiking the Pacific Crest Trail solo to “find herself” or find inner-peace or something. It’s a pretty cool accomplishment and it made me want to hike. And she wrote movingly about the experience of losing her mother at age 22. But when she talked about her divorce, I just lost her a little bit. Maybe this is judgy of me, but the divorce was the product of her continually and repeatedly cheating on her husband and she’s pretty unapologetic about that. At the end she concludes that that’s what she needed to do. So I didn’t feel like the journey resulted in the kind of growth that I was expecting. I would like to see the movie though – I’ve heard Reese Witherspoon gives a great performance.

Looking for alaska Looking for Alaska by John Green. This was my second John Green book and I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t as good as The Fault in Our Stars, but I still cared a lot about the characters. It’s a coming of age story that, like Green’s other books, deals with the usual sex, booze, and rebellion parts of adolescence, but also with grief, loss and the greater meaning of life in a tender and moving way.

 

Station Eleven Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. I LOVED this book. This was published in 2014 and hubby read it a few months ago and recommended it to me. I don’t think I would have read it were it not for his recommendation/the fact that we owned it, but I am so glad I did. This made it to the honorable mentions of my all-time favorite literary fiction books. It tells the story of a Hollywood star and the people connected to him, sometimes only by a slender thread, before, during, and after the collapse of civilization. It’s eerie and post-apocalyptic, riveting and elegaic, moving and insightful. I really thought it was masterful.

What I’m Watching:

I watched the series finale of Parenthood with many tears. Such a great show. I’m all caught up on Nashville and our comedies – Mindy Project, New Girl, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. I watched the series finale of Parks and Recreation last night, which was bittersweet- it’s possibly my favorite comedy of life. We are a few episodes behind, but still greatly enjoying (slash agonizing over) the new season of Broadchurch. Oh. Em. Gee. The BBC knows how to do it. And we recently watched the pilot of Fresh Off the Boat and I think I’ll really enjoy it.

We saw The Imitation Game this month which was equal parts fantastic and depressing. I already knew the ending since it’s a biopic, but it’s such an amazing story up til then. We also re-watched Cloud Atlas at home which is one of my favorite movies – it absolutely fascinates me.

What I’m Eating:

Lots of delicious and horrible-for-you food while in Seoul including these things I shall dub, “Fatty Fries.” Because there’s nothing fattier deep fried potatoes topped with bacon and cheese and mayonnaise, haha. Worth wearing stretchy pants for a week? I think so.

chili fries

In more healthy foods, I tried this recipe for stuffed zucchini recently and it was a winner. You can follow me on Pinterest for more recipes.

ricotta zucchini

Photo from allrecipes.com

On the Internets:

If you read only one link here, let it be Addie Zierman’s post “3 Things We Need to Stop Saying to Youth Group Kids.”  This is one of those posts I wish I’d written because it is so precisely how I feel.

If you need the reminder (and we all do) check out Shauna Niequist’s recent post – “You  are Enough”

I’m not a mom and I still loved this piece from my friend Briana about falling in love with being a mom of two.

I adored this piece from Emily Mullas Wilson about Making Church a Place for All Kinds of Women.

If you want to know why I recommend books with cursing, sex, and violence, read this post by Modern Mrs. Darcy which explains it pretty perfectly.

I also read/listened to some Nadia Bolz-Weber sermons this month. In particular I enjoyed this one about Jonah and loving our enemies and this one about Mary.

If you want to see something fun, check out this version of the Uptown Funk music video with no music.

On the Blog:

I kept up with weeks 5, 6, 7, and 8 of my 52 Weeks of Adventure challenge. I’m really excited to share this week’s on Monday!

I started a series of Friday Book Chats that I hope you’re enjoying. So far I’ve covered most-anticipated books, books I love to hate, movies that were better than their book, and my all-time favorite contemporary literary fiction books.

And in the faith-wrestling, life-pondering, contemplative posts I’ve written about celebrating eight years with my husband, about what’s saving my life right now, about my ongoing questions about the calling of motherhood, about the spiritual aspects of traveling, and about losing (and finding) prayer.

I am slowly plugging away at my book manuscript and hope to have a draft done by the time we leave Korea this summer. I also have another piece for Relevant being published sometime in the next few weeks – I’ll keep you posted.

If you haven’t yet, please “like” my writer page on Facebook to keep up with posts and discussions.

Beauty Bits:

I think I’ve found my holy grail foundation and unfortunately, it’s a Korean brand so I’m probably going to have to stock up on it and bring a bunch home with me when I leave here, but I’m sure you can order it online from sellers on ebay.

I love makeup, but I don’t like to wear really heavy foundation that makes it look like you have a ton of makeup on. I need foundation because my skin is dull and uneven, but I want my skin to still look like skin in the end, so I often do a BB or CC cream. This foundation is the bomb.com though. It is the Clio Kill Cover Realest Wear foundation and I am in the shade 04 Ginger. It’s very liquidy, but it blends out very smoothly (I use my fingers and then my beauty blender). It gives light to medium coverage. My skin still looks like skin – it’s not cakey at all, but it covers everything I need covered. If there’s a way for you to get your hands on this, you should try it.

Clio

What I’ve Been Up To:

February is an odd month in the Korean year because it’s actually the end of the school year. After five weeks of winter vacation, students come back to school for the first 2 -2.5 weeks of February and finish classes, graduation ceremonies,etc. Then there is another 2 week break that is considered their “spring vacation.” This year it coincided with the Lunar New Year. On March 1st (or close to it) the new school year will begin. This means I had 2.5 weeks of classes at the beginning of February followed by 1.5 weeks of sitting at my desk doing nothing. Which is why I got so much writing done this month! We will have new schedules, new coteachers, and some new students, but Korea is very last-minute about everything so I probably won’t get my new schedule or new textbooks until after the school year has already started. This drives the planner in me nuts, but I’m trying to be cool.

We traveled to Seoul for the Lunar New Year and have otherwise been laying low, hanging out with friends and waiting to hear news about the MFA programs Jonathan applied to for the fall. I hope to have something official to report by the end of the month!

 

 

Friday Book Chats: My Favorite Contemporary Literary Fiction

As part of my Book Chat I’ve decided to share some of my all-time favorite books in different genres.  Contemporary literary fiction is sort of a mouthful as far as a genre goes so let me clarify – these are adult fiction books that have been written in the past 20 years or so and that are highly literary in style. These are the types of books that win major literature prizes and awards, but are still deeply engaging. Many of these books are a bit slower-paced, written with careful attention to the language, the character development, the tone, and the greater themes rather than being primarily plot-driven. These are the kinds of books that might take a bit longer to get into, but will stay with you forever.

Disclaimer: my book recommendations may contain language, sexual content, or (non-gratuitous) violence. I don’t discount books based on those things if I think they serve a purpose or don’t detract from the overall impact of the book. If you have specific questions about the content of a particular book, I’d be happy to answer them!

As always, there is a list of current Kindle sales on books I recommend at the end of this post.

Peace like a River Peace Like a River by Leif Enger. This book is narrated by 11-year-old Reuben Land who is traveling with his father Jeremiah and his sister Swede through the Dakota Badlands in search of his fugitive brother, Davy, wanted for killing two men who were terrorizing his family. The true hero of this story is the father, Jeremiah, an Atticus-Finch-like character who is known for a faith so devout he’s been rumored to produce miracles. This is a book about family and faith, about unseen spirituality and maybe even magic that hides itself in ordinary places. And, of course, it is about love. This book is stunning.

 

Kavalier and Clay The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. This book very deservedly won the Pulitzer Prize in 2001. This book has everything – Houdini-style escape artists, comic book superheros, and the American dream. (Side Note: Every time I say something “has everything” I can’t help hearing it in the voice of Stefon from SNL. “This place has everything – sheep, freckles, potato people, a room full of heprichauns…”) In all seriousness, I think one of the things that makes Michael Chabon such a fantastic writer is his ability to take things you may not be interested in, maybe even something you’ve never given any thought to, and make it compelling. This is the story of Joe Kavalier, a young Jewish artist who escapes from Nazi occupied Prague and ends up in New York City with his cousin, Sammy Clay, who convinces him to help create a comic book series with a hero to rival Superman. It’s an unconventional, yet quintessential story of the American dream.

Poisonwood Bible The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. Gah. I don’t even know where to start. This book has five alternating narrators, the wife and four daughters of intense Baptist missionary Nathan Price. In 1959 Price takes his family to the Belgian Congo where he tries to force both Christianity and Western culture on a land and a people who are unwilling or unable to assimilate. This book is fascinating, disturbing, compelling, and unforgettable. As a side note, every other book of Kingsolver’s that I’ve read has also been great. I’d start with The Bean Trees.

 

19398490-1All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr. This was a best book of the year for many in 2014. In alternating chapters the book tells the story of a blind French girl whose father is the Keeper of the Locks for the Museum of Natural History in Paris and a German orphan boy whose talent with engineering gets him recruited into an elite military academy and then sent into the field tracking the Resistance during WWII. It is a gorgeous and haunting book.

 

 

 Extremely Loud and InExtremely loudcredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. This book is (partially) narrated by Oskar Schell, an exceptionally intelligent, eccentric, and precocious nine-year-old who has recently lost in father in the 9/11 attacks on New York City. Oskar finds a key among his father’s possessions and becomes fixated on finding the lock this key fits into. His quest takes him all over New York City and into the lives of hundreds of people also reeling in the aftermath of the attacks. Some people felt this book was emotionally manipulative or that the use of the child narrator was gimmicky in some way, but I’ve read this multiple times and it will always be a favorite of mine. I think it is deeply moving, profound, and also entertaining.

Bridge of Sighs Bridge of Sighs by Richard Russo. Russo won the Pulitzer Prize for his book, Empire Falls, in 2002 and Empire Falls is also a spectacular book, but I have a slight preference for this one. Russo is known for his small town settings and average-Joe characters who resonate with readers so deeply because they remind us that even the simplest and smallest lives are complex and rich with meaning. Bridge of Sighs tells the story of Louis Charles “Lucy” Lynch, a 60 year old man who has lived contentedly in Thomaston, New York his entire life building a successful chain of convenience stores, now writing his memoirs. Lucy, who has barely been outside of his hometown, is preparing to take a trip to Italy to see his childhood best friend, now a renowned painter. The juxtaposition of these two men – the one who never left and the one who couldn’t stay –and the story of their strange, undefinable friendship is mesmerizing.

Honorable Mentions go to: Life After Life by Kate Atkinson, The Tiger’s Wife by Tea Obreht, The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert, Gilead by Marilynne Robinson, and Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel

What are your favorite contemporary literary fiction books?

Kindle Books On Sale

*As of February 27th. I use the US Amazon site. Prices may vary on other sites.

New on sale this week:

To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee ($3.99)

Leaving Church, Barbara Brown Taylor ($3.99)

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot ($1.99) I read this book a few years ago and found it very interesting – it’s the story of a poor black tobacco farmer whose cells were taken without her knowledge and became instrumental in hundreds of medical innovations from the polio vaccine to gene mapping.

 Mistborn– The Final Empire, Brandon Sanderson  ($4.99) This is the first book in Sanderson’s Mistborn fantasy trilogy.

Still on sale from last week:

Found: A Story of Questions, Grace, and Everyday Prayer, Micha Boyett ($3.03) One of my best books of 2014 and one of my favorite spiritual memoirs.

Girl Meets GodLauren Winner ($1.99) I actually haven’t read this one yet, but I did buy it. I read Winner’s more recent book Still (see below) just this month and am now curious to read this book, her first, which tells the story of her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity.

Looking for AlaskaJohn Green ($2.80) This is the author who wrote The Fault in Our Stars. I’m just finishing this book now and have enjoyed it. It’s a coming of age story that, like Green’s other books, deals with the usual sex, booze, and rebellion parts of adolescence, but also grief, loss and the greater meaning of life.

Paper TownsJohn Green ($3.99) I haven’t read this one, but wanted to include it for John Green fans who might like to pick it up.

Me Before YouJoJo Moyes ($2.99) Ambitionless twenty-six year old Louise loses her job and takes a temporary position as a caretaker for a 35 year old quadripalegic who challenges her to live life on a grander scale. This is a quick read, but not a particularly light one.  Be warned that you’ll need Kleenex.

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd ($3.99). There’s a reason this book is so popular. It’s great.

The Fault in Our Stars, John Green ($2.99) So good, but read with tissues.

Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell ($4.99) Just finished this a few days ago. One of my new favorite young adult novels. So sweet.

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty ($3.99) Wrote about this here. Really love all of her books.

Three Wishes, Liane Moriarty ($2.99)

Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss ($4.99) I’ve already talked about this like 7 times, but if you need a refresher, read the blurb on this post.

The Wise Man’s Fear, Patrick Rothfuss ($5.99) See above.

The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern ($4.99) I adore this book.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you use a link to make a purchase a small percentage of your purchase will go towards supporting this site. This does not affect the price of the items in any way. 

On Prayer, Lost and Found

I once believed that ancient, corporate prayers were for those of shallow faith. I thought that written prayers were a cop-out for those too lazy or uncreative to pray on their own. At best, they were the training wheels of prayer—the “Now I lay me down to sleep,” prayers we were meant to outgrow as our faith deepened and swelled into something vibrantly alive. At worst, they were an indication of a faith that was not your own. A faith you’d borrowed from those who came before you. A faith you claimed because it was comfortable and required little of you.

In the church I grew up in, we often prayed out loud, everyone at the same time, a clamor of voices crying out to God together, but individually. It was a charismatic gathering where people prayed in tongues which we were taught to view as private prayer languages between a person’s spirit and God. Every prayer language was different, unique, a sign of the Holy Spirit’s presence in that person.

While I no longer hold to the faith of my childhood, I have no wish to disparage these people or their undoubtedly earnest prayers. I simply reject the accompanying belief that prayer must be original to be sincere. As if a hundred “Father God, we just ask that you just…” ‘s were more authentic than St. Augustine’s prayer, “Breathe in me, O Holy Spirit, that my thoughts may all be holy,” simply by virtue of their spontaneity.

How can these old words spoken and written by people whose bodies withered away before you were even thought of accurately represent what you need to say to God today?  I once asked with scorn. And now, in this season, those ancient words have come to stand in the gap for me.

How strange, to turn from a faith where prayer was a private language of syllables that spoke from my heart straight to God’s ear, to a faith where prayer is grounded in the repetition of words set out for me by men and women who lived long before I, or my mother, or my grandmother or her grandmother, had taken our first breaths on this earth.

I am not alone in this. Many of my generation who were raised in evangelical traditions are turning now towards more liturgical gatherings. Anglican and Episcopalian churches are filling with those who long for a sense of rootedness they felt they lacked in the churches of their parents. Some have moved away from Protestantism altogether and have embraced the Orthodox or the Roman Catholic church.

I don’t know what I am right now. I don’t know that I’m evangelical and I don’t know that I’m not. In some ways living overseas has exempted me from making that decision. My local church community is a house church made up of people from various traditions and there is no label on our gathering.

What I know is this – at some point I lost prayer. I ran out of words or out of the will to form new ones. And it has been the prayers of the saints, past and present, that have given me the words I couldn’t find on my own. These words have an integrity that is entirely independent of me. These words are pillars that stand even when my faith feels frail and brittle.

I pray the words of St. Francis or of St. Benedict,  of Mary’s “Magnificat” or Anne Lamott’s “Help. Thanks. Wow.” and I find myself standing in the presence of God once again, on the shoulders of those who stood here before me.

 Image Credit: John E Lamper on Flickr.

Fifty-Two Weeks of Adventure #8: Lunar New Year and Treat Yo Self 2015

Last Thursday was the Lunar New Year in Asia (also called the Chinese New Year). Well, technically, it was the Lunar New Year everywhere, but it’s mostly celebrated in Asia. We had three days off from work, which only happens twice a year – in the fall for Chuseok (which is like Korean Thanksgiving) and in the winter for Seollal (the Korean name for the Lunar New Year). We wanted to take advantage of the days off and take a short trip, but even several months ago plane tickets to anywhere during the holiday were prohibitively expensive. We settled for spending a few days in Seoul just to get away from home and relax a bit.

You’d think the Lunar New Year would mean lots of special cultural events in Seoul, but in fact, Korean holidays are kind of lame (in my humble opinion). Everyone travels to their family homes where they make and eat an elaborate traditional meal with special foods like ddeokguk, a soup with disk-shaped rice dumplings in it.They also perform bunch of ceremonies to honor their ancestors and many people will dress in hanbok, traditional Korean clothing. When I asked my Korean coworkers about the holiday they always just complain that it’s so much work.

hanbok

Little boy in hanbok. Flickr creative commons image by petergarnhum

The New Year is associated with getting older. Koreans count their age differently than the rest of the world does. Everyone born in the same year is the same age and rather than getting older on your birthday, everyone gets older together on New Year’s Day. For some reason the ddeokguk is associated with getting older and traditionally, you have aged a year after you eat the ddeokguk on New Year’s Day.

[Koreans also count the time a child is in the womb as the first year of life, so when a baby is born it is already 1 year old. So, although I am 27 years old, when I give my age to a Korean I say I am 29 – one extra year for the year I was in utero and one extra year because I was born in 1987 and everyone born in 1987 just turned 29 regardless of when in the year their birthday falls. Since I was born in December this means that if I had lived in Korea when I was born, I would have turned 2 years old when I was only 1 month old by the rest of the world’s standards.]

Because more than half of Seoul’s population is not from Seoul, the city empties out for the holiday, so it was much quieter than usual there. We looked  to see if there were any special events we could attend, but many cultural attractions are actually closed for the holiday and the ones that were open (the palaces and folk village) were places we’ve already been. We’ve learned that the biggest Korean holidays are family affairs that are celebrated privately, so unless you have an invitation to join a family for their celebration, there isn’t that much to participate in.

The air pollution in Seoul during our trip was off-the-charts high (300 + is considered “hazardous” and it was in the 900s) so being out and about wasn’t particularly pleasant since it was too hazy to see anything or to take any decent pictures, but we were happy to have a low-key time just enjoying being away from home and not having to cook or clean or do other normal life activities for a few days.

We dubbed our trip to Seoul “Treat Yo Self 2015” which is a reference to Parks and Recreation, one of our favorite shows. (If you don’t watch Parks and Rec, stop reading this now and go catch up). In the show two of the characters are really into fancy, luxury items and experiences and once a year they do a “Treat Yo Self” day where they indulge all their extravagant wishes. We decided to do the same. I live tweeted/Instagrammed the experience for those who follow me there.

We didn’t have any truly extravagant wishes, but we did have a few treats in mind:

1. Stay at a hotel with a bathtub (we normally go the hostel route to save money and even if you get a private room those generally have shared showers). Take all the bubble baths.

bubble bath

2. Go to Taco Bell. I know you’re judging me right now, but I also know you are secretly jealous. It’s amazing the things that seem like a treat when you’ve gone without them for 19 months.

taco bell

3. Get pies from Tartine. This is a little pie/tart shop in Itaewon, sort of the expat center of Seoul. It is the only place in Korea I have found pie that is proper pie. And they have a ton of flavors. Mmmmmm.

Pie

We had butterscotch and lemon meringue.

 

4. Visit the English bookstore. Since both of us are huge readers, visiting an all-English bookstore is heavenly. What the Book (also in Itaewon) has a big selection of both used and new books. It’s a little pricey since everything has to be imported, but they do offer free shipping within Korea if you order online.

Bookstore

Jonathan got Margaret Atwood’s book Oryx and Crake. I’m on a no-buy because I have 17 unread books on my kindle right now. (Oops).

5. Butterbeer and Chili fries. We found a delightful English pub with the most enchanting menu of all-time. Harry Potter inspired Butter beer (similar to what you can get at HP world except this one was alcoholic), a range of different hot dogs, and fries covered in chili and beef and bacon and cheese and mayo and grilled kimchi on the side (because this is still Korea). Yes, that was heart attack waiting to happen, but you know what…Treat yo self.

Butter beer

chili fries

6. Shopping. I went into this trip prepared to do some shopping, but it ended up being one of those weird times when I was planning to buy all the things, but couldn’t find anything I wanted. I felt a little cheated – after all, I held up my end of the bargain, going to stores with money – and the stores let me down. (I know, I know, first world problems).

Myeongdong

The Myeongdong central shopping area in Seoul. So many stores and I couldn’t find a thing to buy.

In spite of our lack of unique cultural experiences, we are calling “Treat Yo Self 2015” a success and I hope it’s a tradition we keep up every now and again.

All joking aside, self care is really important and while that doesn’t have to mean doing anything expensive or extravagant, it’s important to tend to our souls by building in time to rest, relax, and do the things that rejuvenate us, whether it’s bubble baths or window shopping or going to a baseball game. You can’t pour out to others if you are completely empty yourself.

I had one more really big adventure in Seoul, but you’ll have to check back next week to hear about it!

If you have an adventure to share, add your link to the link-up by clicking the button below. You can participate in all of the adventures or you can just do a few – no pressure. If you missed last week’s adventure you can find it here. And if you are new to my Fifty-Two Weeks of Adventure project you can find out more about it here.

Friday Book Chats: Movies That Were Better Than Their Book

This week’s book chat topic was inspired by a conversation I had with Joni (koehlerjoni) about movies that were actually better than the book they were based on. You can probably think of several movies off the top of your head that didn’t do justice to the books they were based on, but have you ever had the opposite experience? These are a few examples of movies that (in my opinion)  were much better than the books they were based on. As usual, there’s a list of currently on sale Kindle books at the end of this post.

Juie and Julia Julie and Julia, Julie Powell. I love cooking and food-related books and movies, and I thought this movie was charming, weaving together the lives of the iconic cookbook author Julia Child and 30-year-old New Yorker, Julie Powell as Julie attempts to cook her way through every recipe in Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year.  In the movie both Julia Child and Julie Powell are quirky and endearing and make you want to be their best friend. I was disappointed when I actually read Julie and Julia and found that the Julie Powell who wrote the book was much cruder and much less charming than the character portrayed by Amy Adams. Her writing itself is decent, but I just found her tone and some of her humor off-putting. This was much more enjoyable as a movie.

MV5BMTM2MTI5NzA3MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwODExNTc0OA@@._V1_SX214_AL_Silver Linings PlaybookMatthew Quick. Let me preface this by saying that this is one of my favorite movies and if you haven’t seen it, you should. It wasn’t that I thought the book version of this was bad at all. I actually thought it was really good. I just found the movie more satisfying in some ways. I felt like the way the movie approached and dealt with Pat’s relationship with his dad was thoughtful and complex and there was more symmetry and cohesiveness to. Also, the ending to the book is much different than the movie (though it’s not a total downer or anything) and I happened to love the ending of the movie. From reading the book I have to say that I think Bradley Cooper really nailed the character of Pat. He does a great job in this movie.

Gone girlGone Girl, Gillian Flynn. I’ve already talked about this a few times, but to boil it down, this worked much better as a movie for me because it was a straightforward psychological thriller that was meant to be watched as a well-made piece of trashy entertainment without trying to be insightful or reflective. The movie is really well made – great acting, great suspense-building, etc., though of course every bit as disturbing as the book.

 

 

Wicked-posterWickedGregory Maguire I know this isn’t technically a movie, it’s a musical, but it is so very much better than the book which is kind of weird and even a little kinky in some bits. The musical, besides having the obvious advantage of the awesome songs, has so many satisfying connections that tie bits of this story into the story of the Wizard of Oz. I assumed these were all connections made in the book and was surprised to find that some of them had been added by the writers who did the adaptation. The musical took all the best parts of the book and made it something magical.

 

The_Devil_Wears_Prada_main_onesheetThe Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger. This is one of my feel-good go-to movies. I love Meryl Streep in it. I love the clothes in it. It’s fun. In the book the main character is much less sympathetic and she doesn’t take the high road in the end the way she does in the film which kind of ruins it. I’m in no way trying to argue that this is a great piece of cinema, I’m just saying, the movie is a better and more fun story than the book.

What movies did you like better than their books?

Kindle Books On Sale

*As of February 23rd. I use the US Amazon site. Prices may vary on other sites.

New on sale this week:

Found: A Story of Questions, Grace, and Everyday Prayer, Micha Boyett ($3.03) One of my best books of 2014 and one of my favorite spiritual memoirs.

Girl Meets GodLauren Winner ($1.99) I actually haven’t read this one yet, but I did buy it. I read Winner’s more recent book Still (see below) just this month and am now curious to read this book, her first, which tells the story of her conversion from Orthodox Judaism to Christianity.

Looking for AlaskaJohn Green ($2.80) This is the author who wrote The Fault in Our Stars. I’m just finishing this book now and have enjoyed it. It’s a coming of age story that, like Green’s other books, deals with the usual sex, booze, and rebellion parts of adolescence, but also grief, loss and the greater meaning of life.

Paper TownsJohn Green ($3.99) I haven’t read this one, but wanted to include it for John Green fans who might like to pick it up.

 

Still on sale from last week:

Me Before YouJoJo Moyes ($2.99) Ambitionless twenty-six year old Louise loses her job and takes a temporary position as a caretaker for a 35 year old quadripalegic who challenges her to live life on a grander scale. This is a quick read, but not a particularly light one.  Be warned that you’ll need Kleenex.

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd ($3.99). There’s a reason this book is so popular. It’s great.

The Fault in Our Stars, John Green ($2.99) So good, but read with tissues.

The Invention of Wings, Sue Monk Kidd ($3.99) This was on many “best of the year” lists for 2014.

Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell ($4.99) Just finished this a few days ago. One of my new favorite young adult novels. So sweet.

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty ($3.99) Wrote about this here. Really love all of her books.

Three Wishes, Liane Moriarty ($2.99)

Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss ($4.99) I’ve already talked about this like 7 times, but if you need a refresher, read the blurb on this post.

The Wise Man’s Fear, Patrick Rothfuss ($5.99) See above.

The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern ($4.99) I adore this book.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you use a link to make a purchase a small percentage of your purchase will go towards supporting this site. This does not affect the price of the items in any way. 

Why I Travel: In Defense of Wanderlust

Standing at the peak, the wind whipping my hair across my cheeks, I close my eyes and tilt my face to the sun. I stretch out my arms and turn up my palms and breathe. I open my eyes and try to absorb the techni-colored panorama of jagged, white mountain peaks, emerald pastures and shimmering diamond lakes reflecting back the exact impossible blue of the New Zealand sky and I think, Heaven looks like this.

New Zealand

I sit on the back of a scooter, hands gripping the waist of the twelve-year-old boy who is my driver as we zip down the jungle roads to a breakfast of green leaf pancakes with palm sugar. We dodge a rooster strutting cockily across the road and I can’t stop smiling from ear to ear because heaven feels like the wind blowing past my face as we bump over potholes, winding our way through the Balinese jungle.

Bali

In Canterbury Cathedral I kneel, dappled by colored light from the stained glass windows and thinking about Augustine and about Thomas Becket, crouching on these very stones, heart pounding as he waits, pleading with God to spare his life. I inhale and imagine Becket in heaven, smelling the aroma of this same sweet incense in the throne room of the Most High God.

Canterbury

On a mountain in Peru a whole village of Quechuan people, dressed in layers of wool in all the colors of the rainbow, sing a song about their beloved mountain, Huascaran. They sing in high-pitched nasal tones a song that sounds like some combination of zydeco and a tribal wail. The sound is harsh and grating to my ears and yet I can’t help thinking that this is what heaven sounds like – a great cacophony of sound.

Source: Wikimedia commons

Source: Wikimedia commons

In an old Communist youth camp beside the mighty Volga River hours north of Moscow, I tuck a room full of 9-year-old orphan boys into bed. I hug Dema’s freckly face to my chest and kiss the top of his head and think, The kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. “Spokie-Nokie,” I say, and turn out the light.

Dema

***

Once, a few years into our marriage, Jonathan and I had an argument about travel. We had hoped to take a trip, but car problems and taxes and medical bills had strained our very limited resources. It seemed like a trip was out of the question and I was profoundly disappointed. At some point during the conversation Jonathan said to me, “I know you’re disappointed, but there will be other opportunities in the future. I don’t understand why you are so incredibly upset.”

And I said (as dramatically as it sounds), “Because this is the purpose of my life!”

And he said, “You can’t be serious. You basically just told me your life’s purpose is to take vacations.”

What I was trying to say then but didn’t have the words to articulate at the time was that traveling is a deeply spiritual experience for me. Traveling moves me to worship in a way that nothing else does.

What does it mean that the mountains melt like wax in the presence of the Lord until you’ve stood at the top of a great and glorious mountain?

What does it mean that all of man’s accomplishments are like filthy rags beside God’s splendor until you’ve seen the Sistine Chapel or stood on the Great Wall of China?

Why does it matter that God is a father to the fatherless if you’ve never known the orphan?

How can you understand what it means that God holds the whole world in the span of his hand if you’ve never been outside your hometown?

What does it mean that heaven is filled with people from every tribe and tongue and nation if you’ve only known people from your own?

“The whole earth is filled with His glory,” cry the angels. I want my life to be about seeing and spreading that glory, even to the ends of the Earth.

Featured Image Credit: Grain & Compass

Fifty -Two Weeks of Adventure #7: Jellyfish Salad and Stingray Sprouts

My week 7 adventure turned out a bit differently than I expected. We are at the end of the  Korean school year which runs March to February with a 5 week summer break and a 5 week winter break. My 6th graders graduate today and then we’ll have a 10 day break for the Lunar New Year and what they call “Spring Vacation” before coming back to start a new school year March 2nd.

Last week we had our end of the year teacher’s dinner. I intended to write about this as my adventure because last year’s end-of-the-year dinner was so eventful. Last year the dinner was held at a big wedding hall (you can read about my experience with Korean weddings here) where there was a huge buffet in a ballroom-sized room with a bunch of smaller private rooms off on the sides. So my school had a private room and after the meal there were farewell speeches where they had a champagne toast to teachers who were leaving and did a weird ceremony where they cut what looked like a wedding cake together with this giant knife. Afterwards, they brought in a karaoke machine and we had obligatory norebang time. Norebang is the Korean style of karaoke and it is wildly popular here, especially for “professional development” kind of events. Last year I had to sing “Call Me Maybe” as a duet with the 50 year old music teacher, Mr. Kim, and was treated to my barely five-foot-tall vice principal singing something in Korean while jumping up and down the whole time. It was a riot.

Needless to say, I had high expectations for this year. I was a little let down. Instead of the wedding hall we went to a small hole-in-the-wall traditional Korean restaurant where we sat on the floor (always tough on the knees and tailbone, etc after a while). There was only a brief good-bye speech for the teachers who were leaving. Then we ate a traditional Korean meal together, after which we all left and went home. It was anti-climactic, but it was my only adventure planned for the week, so it will have to do.

The most adventurous part of it was probably some of the food itself. A traditional Korean meal  is 30 or more small courses or side dishes called “banchan.” The servers bring out dish after dish and everyone shares them (like, you just reach over with your chopsticks and grab whatever your want. You don’t get your own plate). I tried to get a few pictures of this, but my phone camera is awful and it was difficult because the teachers didn’t want to be in the pictures.

See what I mean. Awful camera and no good way to get all the food without getting the teachers.

See what I mean. Awful camera and no good way to get all the food without getting the teachers.

Among the more exotic dishes were the jellyfish salad (which I actually kind of enjoy) and a dish with stingray and bean sprouts in a red pepper sauce. Stingray is very stringy and kind of sweet, just fyi. There were whole cooked fish, which were delicious, but didn’t look appetizing what with their eyeballs staring at you, along with the little dried anchovies that look like nothing but eyes. There was yukhwe, a raw beef dish, and japchae (glass noodles with beef) and of course, kimchi.

Jellyfish salad - photo by Amy Dunkley

Jellyfish salad – photo by Amy Dunkley

Big fish and little fish. Sorry this picture is so blurry!

Big fish and little fish. Sorry this picture is so blurry!

People often ask me if I like Korean food and I never really know how to answer. I’m not an especially picky eater, though I don’t like my meat to be super fatty and I only like the octopus tentacles and not the whole baby ones with the heads attached, so maybe that makes me picky. There are some Korean dishes that I really love – bulgogi and jjimdak and dumplings and galbi (bbq). And there are others that I really don’t care for – makjang (pig colon) and raw liver and chicken hearts. Overall I would describe my relationship to Korean food this way – I like a lot of things, but only in small amounts. I enjoy them, but I only want one or two bites of each thing, not a whole plateful. Which is why these big shared meals work out well for me. I can get away with one or two bites of everything without seeming rude.  Unforunately, in spite of eating it a few hundred times at this point, I still really don’t like kimchi which means I could never be fully accepted into Korean society.

We are headed to Seoul tomorrow for the Lunar New Year (a huge holiday here in Korea) and I have some bigger adventures planned for this week, so stay tuned!

If you have an adventure to share, add your link to the link-up by clicking the button below. You can participate in all of the adventures or you can just do a few – no pressure. If you missed last week’s adventure you can find it here. And if you are new to my Fifty-Two Weeks of Adventure project you can find out more about it here.

Friday Book Chats: Books I’m Supposed to Love But Can’t Help Hating

The title of this post is self-explanatory, but this is my list of books that other people seem to love (or at least hail as classics), but that I really hated. And I am NOT linking these up to make it easy to purchase them because I don’t think anyone should purchase them ever because I think they stink. I am including a Curently On Sale Kindle list at the bottom of the post for books I actually do recommend.

Classics

Moby DickMoby Dick by Herman Melville. I read this in both high school and in college so it’s gotten two chances which is more than I usually grant a book I hated the first time around. When I read this in college I was very open-minded since my professor was amazing and had made other classic works come to life for me in a way I hadn’t expected. Sadly, even the tremendous passion of Dr. Lundin could not make me see the light with this one. Every time this is called, “The Great American Classic” I shudder a little in embarrassment for America. This book is 700 + pages of watching paint dry. The worst.

wuthering heights

 

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Cathy is an idiot and Heathcliff is an ogre. Everything is super dramatic for no reason. There is no romance here for me.

 

 

Scarlet Letter

 

The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. No. Just no.

 

 

 

Huck FinnAnything by Mark Twain: Perhaps it’s because reading so much dialect gives me a headache, but I have just never enjoyed anything by Mark Twain unless you count the Wishbone episode where he does Tom Sawyer. Because that I could get behind.

 

 

On the roadOn the Road by Jack Kerouac. Well, the reason I first read this book was because the guy I had a huge crush on in high school loved Kerouac. Should have been a sign.

 

 

AwakeningDishonorable Mention: The Awakening by Kate Chopin. I mention this because it’s so highly lauded as this amazing example of feminist literature and I just don’t know why. I know it was “revolutionary” at the time or whatever, but I just think we have so many better examples of feminist literature – why do we continue to hold this up?

 

Contemporary

The RoadThe Road by Cormac McCarthy. The action of this book could have been condensed into about ten pages. “But he is being so literary –evoking weariness and boredom through constant repetition.” Or perhaps he’s laughing his butt off because all you suckers bought a book that took him about 30 minutes to write and are calling it a masterpiece.

 

goldfinchThe Goldfinch by Donna Tartt. People RAVED about this book. I mean, it won the Pullitzer Prize. But you know what? It just isn’t that good. To quote me, “The main character and narrator (Theo Decker) is neither interesting nor sympathetic. Apart from the very beginning where you feel bad for him because of his family situation, he really turns out to be a pretty terrible person, but he’s not even an interesting terrible person. I don’t think all the characters in good literature need to be likeable. But they do have to make me care what happens to them. I did not care about him. Some of the secondary characters, on the other hand, were fascinating. At the end of the book Theo goes into this long tangent where he philosophizes on life in a way that I found really unsatisfying. He ends up saying essentially that life is really difficult and sucky and meaningless but it’s all we have so we should maybe try to find some joy in it. And I just didn’t understand how that was even logical. If life is sucky and meaningless, what possible motivation is there to try to be a good person and find joy? I was pretty frustrated at the end of the book – dissatisfied with both the story itself and the author’s conclusions on life. And it was a lot of pages to read to feel that disappointed.”

outlanderOutlander series by Diana Gabaldon. I’ve only made it through two and half of these. And I started reading them 3 years ago…Even before the TV series came out (which I think I’d like better as a guilty-pleasure show) lots of people I knew LOVED these books. I just can’t get into them. I don’t connect with the characters super well, the history doesn’t especially interest me, the time travel isn’t cleverly done, and the prose is just OK. I’m underwhelmed. And I have lots of other things I’d rather read than eight 800-page volumes of this.

Gone_GirlDishonorable mention: Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. Again, I didn’t actively hate this book, I just really disliked some parts of it. I saw the movie version of this and actually liked it much better. If you haven’t read it/seen it this is a SPOILER ALERT*** Here’s what I didn’t like. The book seemed to be trying to say something deeper about marriage and relationships and how a good marriage can go badly, badly wrong. But it epic-ly failed to do this because of the nature of the plot. When there are psychopaths or sociopaths involved you can no longer treat any of their relationships as an effective commentary on normal society. I also found the ending upsetting and deeply dissatisfying. I thought it worked so much better as a movie where you could appreciate it as entertainment without trying to extract this deep message about marriage and society.

Christian

Crazy LoveCrazy Love by Francis Chan. If you’re super into “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” this book is for you. I read this book with my friends for Bible study and while I could agree with some of his points and the challenge to live a fully-committed life I found his tone and illustrations incredibly off-putting and problematic. To give you one example, he writes several times about his wife’s Grandma Clara holding her up as a picture of virtue and a lesson to us all. In one story the family goes to a play together and after the play Chan asks her, “Did you enjoy the play?” and she responds, “I was just sitting there the whole time thinking how ashamed I would be if Jesus were to come back right now and find me here watching a play.” And he was using this as an example of how devoted we should all be to Jesus. And I just thought…actually, I think if Jesus came back now he would love that you were spending your time investing in the family he gave you and loving them well by being there for their important moments –but maybe that’s just me? That’s just one example, but it gives you an idea of what the book was like.  Not a fan.

What about you? Any books you love to hate?

Currently On Sale For Kindle

*As of February 13th. I use the US Amazon site. Prices may vary on other sites.

New on sale this week:

Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way , Shauna Niequist ($.99)  This book of essays focuses on change and the bittersweet ways that we grow through challenges and difficulties.

Me Before YouJoJo Moyes ($2.99) Ambitionless twenty-six year old Louise loses her job and takes a temporary position as a caretaker for a 35 year old quadripalegic who challenges her to live life on a grander scale. This is a quick read, but not a particularly light one.  Be warned that you’ll need Kleenex.

The Secret Life of Bees, Sue Monk Kidd ($3.99). There’s a reason this book is so popular. It’s great.

Still on sale from last week:

The Fault in Our Stars, John Green ($2.99) So good, but read with tissues.

The Invention of Wings, Sue Monk Kidd ($3.99) This was on many “best of the year” lists for 2014.

Eleanor and Park, Rainbow Rowell ($4.99) Just finished this a few days ago. One of my new favorite young adult novels. So sweet.

An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith, Barbara Brown Taylor ($3.09)

Still: Notes on a Mid-Faith CrisisLauren Winner ($1.99) I just finished this book recently and it was one of those books that didn’t stand out as a whole, but there were certain bits that were very, very good.

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty ($3.99) Wrote about this here. Really love all of her books.

Three Wishes, Liane Moriarty ($2.99)

Name of the Wind, Patrick Rothfuss ($4.99) I’ve already talked about this like 7 times, but if you need a refresher, read the blurb on this post.

The Wise Man’s Fear, Patrick Rothfuss ($5.99) See above.

The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern ($4.99) I adore this book.

Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you use a link to make a purchase a small percentage of your purchase will go towards supporting this site. This does not affect the price of the items in any way. 

To Be (or Not To Be) a Mom: The Continuing Saga

Back in October I wrote this guest post for my friend Brett over at his site, Irresistibly Fish. I had every intention of posting it over here as well, but somehow it slipped through the cracks. I’m posting it here today because I never had the opportunity to share it here and it’s something I’m still really wrestling with in my life right now. Brett has an entire series on his blog called “To Be a Mom” that you should check out if you want to hear some great perspectives on motherhood. (I was the only guest blogger who is not actually a mom).

I do want to be sensitive to any of you who may be struggling with infertility or grieving miscarriages.  I understand that it may be hurtful to hear someone else questioning if they even want children if you have lost deeply-wanted children or are struggling with infertility. It is so not my intention to cause you more pain so I wanted to post this “trigger warning” for those of you who may not want to read this one. 

Also, to be clear, this is not a criticism of people who choose to have children. I believe there are many people who are meant to be parents. This is just an exploration of my own sense of purpose and calling.

***

To be a mom used to be something I dreamed of. As early as elementary school l I told people I  was telling people that I planned to have six kids (mostly girls with one or two boys thrown in). I regularly made and updated lists of my favorite baby names.

I grew up in a home where motherhood was valued and praised. I have a wonderful, selfless, self-sacrificing mother and my dad adores her. Since I have two sisters who are significantly younger than me, I started practicing my mothering skills at a young age.

To be clear, there was never any pressure or expectation placed on me by my family that my calling in life was to be a wife and mother. I simply had a natural bent towards domesticity and nurture. I like cooking and baking and I love small children. I think I “get” them better than I get adults. Maybe this is because there are parts of childhood I’ve never outgrown – for example, the urge to stomp my feet when I am frustrated or to sing tuneless songs narrating what I’m doing or to be scared of things like balloons that might pop at any moment – so I understand where they’re coming from a lot of the time.

I started babysitting when I was twelve didn’t stop until I was 25. I taught 4-year old Sunday school class at my church all through college and after college I transitioned into full-time nannying, which is the closest you can get to parenting without actually having your own kids. (Of course, this varies from situation to situation, but in some of my jobs I did the grocery shopping, prepared meals, did homework and school projects, washed clothes, bought clothes, arranged play dates, bought birthday presents for parties, and attended school functions so I honestly think it’s fair to say that this was part-time parenting).

I met my husband at 18 and was married at 22. Our plan was always to wait a few years before we started our family, but I still wanted a big brood of kids and felt pressure not to wait too long. As I was nearing 25 and nothing was happening for me career-wise I started to think, “Maybe we should start having kids.” I believed that having kids would be meaningful and frankly, I believed I’d be good at it. It was something I’d always wanted to do.

And then, about two years ago, something in me changed. I can’t explain exactly how or why, but I woke up one day and I no longer felt the desire to have children. People joke that nannying is its own form of birth control. I don’t think it was that nannying made me stop wanting kids. But I do think nannying made me want to be the right kind of parent.

To be a mom, to really be a good mom, you must be willing to die to yourself and to invest the best of who you are into your children. I have a mom like that, so I know what it looks like. I have worked with different kinds of families and there is a profound difference between the parents whose priority is their children and who are willing to sacrifice their comfort, their careers, and their dreams to invest in their kids and the parents whose priority is themselves or their careers or the image they want to project. I don’t doubt that these second kinds of parents love their children. But based on my experience with those kids, I don’t think they are being the kind of parents their kids need them to be.

I started to wonder why I had wanted a family in the first place. Why do most people have children? I don’t mean that in a flippant or cynical way. It’s something I asked very seriously. One of my deeply held beliefs is that WHY we do things matters tremendously. So I started to ask. Do I want children because I’m hoping they will give me a sense of purpose? Because it’s the next thing to cross off the list? Because nothing else in life is working out and this feels like the next logical step? Because I’m afraid of missing out? Because I believe it will express a unique kind of love with my husband? Because I’m curious about what a mini-me-and-Jonathan would be like?

For many people, the desire to have kids is probably some combination of those things. And that’s not necessarily wrong. I’ve just come to believe that, for me, those reasons are not ENOUGH. For me, there has to be a deeper sense of calling and with that a commitment to sacrificing whatever is required to parent well.

Understanding what parenting really means and what it requires has convinced me that it isn’t something that should be undertaken lightly. I genuinely believe that God took the desire for children away from me for a season because it isn’t the right time. Not long after I’d had this total change of heart, the opportunity for my husband and I to move overseas came up. Our move abroad has been one of the best decisions we’ve ever made, and we wouldn’t have made it if we’d had a child or even been trying to have one.

I don’t know if this feeling will last forever or if God will bring back that desire again at the right time. I do believe that God is ultimately in control of my family and that whether or not we have children depends on him much more than on me. But as much as it depends on me, I want to make sure I pursue motherhood for the right reasons. And if I should get pregnant unintentionally, then I will embrace that as a clear sign of God’s timing and will trust that he will equip me for what he’s calling me to.

I used to long for motherhood, but now to be (or not to be) a mom is something I strive to hold with open hands. I want to keep it in proper perspective, neither looking at it as a means of personal fulfilment nor refusing it out of fear or selfishness. To be a mom is a high calling, but it isn’t everyone’s calling. I want to be sure I’m listening to mine.

 

Image from; joannagoddard.blogspot.com