The 300th: An Ode to Failure

This is my 300th blog post.

Three hundred separate times, I’ve sat down and written a thing and posted it on the internet. Sometimes they were words I couldn’t keep in for a moment longer so that they spilled out in an almost violent rush. Sometimes they were words I spent weeks weighing and measuring, trying to say something true, but in the most careful way I could. And sometimes they were words without any great weight behind them – snapshots of the moments that make up my days.

Today is also my 31st birthday. I have so many things to be thankful for in my life. Without being too mushy, I will just say that I am deeply loved by some of the most wonderful people on this planet and they do an amazing job of showing me. That is all I could ever ask for. But this post isn’t about how lovely my life is.

It’s about failure.

In reflecting on the last year, I’ve had many wonderful and meaningful experiences, but I’ve also failed in a lot of ways. I don’t believe I’ve ever tried to project an image of perfection here. I’ve been honest about struggles and difficulties. But I also don’t know that I’ve talked much about real failure–as in the things that are entirely my fault and entirely within my control.

There are the small things:

  • I accidentally betrayed a confidence. I didn’t do it intentionally, but I should have been thoughtful enough to avoid the topic entirely instead of assuming what the other person already knew. Nothing catastrophic has come of it, but I still should have kept my mouth closed.
  • I completely forgot to check in on a friend who I knew was having an important appointment. I genuinely wanted to know the outcome, but I failed to follow up with her which communicated that I didn’t really care.
  • We have a four-cup coffee maker (which in my house is actually a two-cup coffee maker) and a few days ago I heard Jonathan waking up, so I ran to the kitchen and quickly poured the last cup of coffee into my mug before he came out so that I wouldn’t have to wait 5 minutes for a new pot to brew.

And there are the bigger things:

  • I recently shouted at a family member in moment of self-righteous fury that was both ungracious and unnecessary. Also, I am not a shouter. A very animated talker, yes. But not a shouter.
  • I kept a secret from my husband for the better part of a year because I was so ashamed of it. Me. Someone who would identify authenticity as one of my core life values. I kept a secret from the person I am closest to in the world. Like a lying lier who lies. This was just one factor that led to a serious and scary breakdown in my marriage, something I always thought was too rock solid to be shaken.
  • I quit on an important project that I care deeply about and want to support, but simply couldn’t get my shiz together enough to participate in fully.
  • A few weeks ago, I had a conversation where I speculated on someone else’s sexuality. Even though I sincerely believe this to be an unkind and above all unnecessary thing to do, I did it.
  • I am really struggling with resentment towards someone in my life. It has nothing to do with them. It is entirely my problem. But at least 50% of the time, I want to punch them in the face for daring to exist.
  • I set out to write a book a long time ago, but I do not have the discipline or the work ethic or the perseverance to see it through. Every time I try again, I end up quitting.

I promise, there is a point to all of this. The thing I’ve learned the most over the past year is that there is no such thing as a failure-free life. As a recovering perfectionist, this is hard for me to accept. I am programmed to believe I should always be making progress. I like to think I can outgrow failure, or at the very least, that I can learn not fail at the same thing twice. Experience says otherwise.

Failure is inevitable, but it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to identify my priorities and to really ask myself if my actions reflect my goals, my values, and the kind of person I want to be. It is humbling to admit to being wrong and to ask for forgiveness. And it is beautiful to receive forgiveness from others and from myself.

The other great gift I’ve received from all of my failures is that, in my better moments, it has given me greater compassion towards others. Understanding my own inability to stop failing makes it easier to forgive other people’s failures too. It’s so much easier to live believing that those around me are doing the best they can, but, despite our best efforts, we all still fail sometimes.  We all need the grace of God, myself as much as anyone.

In the next year, I hope that I will grow as someone who is kind and genuine and generous and gracious. I want to invest more in my writing with the goal of one day being self-employed as a writer. I want to make peace with my body and manage my mental health better. I want to love the people in my life well. I want to explore more of the world and to have new adventures, but also do a better job of appreciating all there is to explore and appreciate in my everyday life.

I will probably (definitely) fail in both small and spectacular ways at all of these things, so along with all of these hopes, I am thankful to be in a place in my life where I feel secure enough to fail. My worth and my worthiness are not dependent on my successes or failures. I only need to be humble enough to admit my failures, to ask for forgiveness where necessary, and to have the courage to try again.

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Featured Image via Ted.com

 

 

Misconceptions I Used to Have About Bipolar Disorder

There is a an episode of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend where the main character, Rebecca Bunch, finally receives a medical diagnosis for her mental health issues. From the beginning of the show, she assumed her issues were anxiety, depression, and OCD, but after a psychotic episode, a doctor tells her he has an official diagnosis for her. At first, Rebecca is relieved about this and is even looking forward to finally knowing what her issues are. Since this is a ridiculous show involving choreographed musical numbers, Rebecca sings a power anthem about how finally finding the right diagnosis will change everything. A few days later, she finds out she is being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. After a quick Google search of the characteristics, she demands that her doctor give her a new diagnosis. In that moment, Rebecca would rather live without proper treatment in order to avoid an undesirable label.

As I’ve started to write about my experience with bipolar disorder, I have heard from so many people who thanked me for sharing, but who also expressed that they struggled with their own diagnoses –not so much with managing the symptoms, but with accepting the reality that they have bipolar disorder. These are people who, like me, have struggled with their own misunderstandings of the condition and above all, with other people’s perceptions of it.

When I was first diagnosed, I was very uncomfortable with the label “bipolar.” It sounded extreme, and it both frightened and embarrassed me. But then I spent time learning about what it actually is and how my experience fits inside the spectrum of the disorder, and I started to feel immense relief. I’m sure this sounds like an oxymoron to some people, but I had a moment where a light went on and I thought, “I’m not crazy, I’m just bipolar.”

I thought it might be helpful for me to share some of the things I used to believe that made it hard for me to accept the reality of my diagnosis.

Misconcpetion #1: People with Bipolar Disorder are Erratic and Dangerous

First off, let me just begin by saying that any statement beginning with “People with bipolar disorder are x, y, or z” is probably wrong. That’s sort of like saying, “All pregnant women will have morning sickness.” Yes, there are things about pregnancy that make morning sickness more likely, but there are women who never experience it, women who are sick once, women who are sick for a few weeks, and women who are sick constantly their entire pregnancy. Whatever scale the symptoms are on does not change the fact that they are all pregnant.

In the media, we often see the extremes of BD–people or characters who are at the highest heights of mania or the lowest depths of depression. These extremes do exist, and they are heartbreaking, but they are not the definitive experience of BD. And it’s not common for people to reach these extreme states if they are receiving proper medical care.

It’s also worth noting that an official diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder is characterized by having consistent depressive periods and at least one manic (Type 1) or hypomanic* (Type 2) episode in their lifetime. ONE. Of course, lots of people have more than one. But I’m just saying, to assume that someone with BD is constantly having or on the verge of having erratic and irrational episodes is just not true.

Misconception #2: Being Bipolar Means Having Rapid Mood Swings

“My teacher is like totally chill one day and then yelling at us the next. She is so bipolar,” I overheard a 7th grader saying to her friend. People toss around the term like it’s the punchline of a joke. Sometimes I like to joke about it too, because sometimes it’s healthier not to take ourselves too seriously, but also, this perpetuates the idea that bipolar really means “Someone with wild mood swings.”

If having mood swings were the metric of what makes someone bipolar, about half of the world’s population would be bipolar approximately once a month. Have you ever started the day in a bad mood and then had something totally turn your day around? Or been in a great mood and had something bring you down? That’s a pretty normal experience. Emotions fluctuate and some people are more sensitive than others.

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Bipolar Disorder does not mean having constant mood swings all day every day. It means having longer term cycles of depression, stasis, and (at least once) mania or hypomania. In many cases, those cycles come only once or twice a year.

There IS something known as rapid-cycling BD, but rapid cycling refers to having four or more cycles in a year. That is still not the same thing as having a flip of the switch mood swing or a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality.

In other words, sometimes, a girl is just hangry, OK? Give her some cheese. (If she is me).

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Misconception #3: Bipolar People Can’t Live Normal Lives. They End Up Homeless or Dying Young and Tragically

There are two parts to this one – first, the idea that people with BD can’t live normal lives. In fact, most people with BD experience (sometimes long) periods of normality in between periods of depression and mania/hypomania.

People who experience BD with severe depression (especially if untreated) may have difficulty holding down a job because they can’t keep a regular schedule. People who experience BD with extreme mania that causes them to have delusions or make other reckless decisions (especially if untreated) may put themselves in risky situations. And yes, people who leave their BD untreated or who choose not to seek help will probably not live a healthy life.

But, BD is not a hopeless diagnosis. There so many treatment options, both with medication and without. Some incredibly successful people are/were bipolar (Carrie Fisher, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and, for better or worse, Ernest Hemingway to name a few). In fact, I would argue that people with BD are some of the most passionate, creative, and empathetic people on the planet. Those same emotions that can overwhelm and cripple us also give us a rich and complex emotional and creative life.

When I was first diagnosed, my biggest fear was that someone would find out and think I was unfit to do my job, which involved a huge amount of responsibility of a group of teenagers. I did not want anyone to hear the word “bipolar” and make assumptions about me or my work based on that one word rather than on my character and my proven track record. I think this is a common concern for people with bipolar disorder, and that’s why I think it’s so important to educate people about what it really is.

Misconception #4: If Someone I Knew Was Bipolar, I Would Know

Nearly everyone I know who is aware of my condition has the initial reaction, “But you seem so (normal/competent/together/calm/happy/successful, etc.)!”

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I just like smiling. Smiling’s my favorite. This face right here – this is me at the tail end of one of the most severe depressive episodes of my life.

Newsflash. The way people look on the outside and the way they feel on the inside do not always match up.

I have spent months at a time somehow getting up, putting on my makeup, pulling myself together, and doing my job with a smile on my face. And the minute I got home, I would put on my sweatpants and spend the rest of the day on my couch or in my bed barely speaking because it was SO BONE-NUMBINGLY EXHAUSTING to make it through the day. I never wanted to wear a mask, I just had responsibilities and I had to keep functioning.

Of course, I understand that there are people with BD who genuinely cannot do that. I get it. There have been at least two points in the last few years where I thought, “I’m about to break.” I honestly don’t know how I got out of bed, and to anyone else who has felt that way or worse, I believe you are doing the very best you can.  But a lot of us are very high-functioning and great at over-compensating for how we feel inside.

Not only are the symptoms we experience internal and therefore not noticeable unless you are really close to us every day, but it’s also something people are afraid to talk about. At least, I know I was. Sometimes the people who suffer the most are the ones who nobody notices are suffering.

Some Advice

I know this has been long, but I would like to leave you with a few last thoughts. If someone you know and love confides in you that they have bipolar disorder:

  1. Ask them, “What is that like for you?” Remember that it can be different for everyone.
  2. If you are concerned about them taking care of themselves, ask them what they are doing to help themselves manage it.
  3. Educate yourself.
  4. Other than providing them with any support they may ask for, treat them the same way you did before you knew.

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*Hypomania is a less extreme form of mania that usually lasts for a few days rather than weeks and is characterized by being happy/euphoric, full of energy, being very talkative, racing thoughts, feeling full of ideas and plans, and often an increase in impulse spending or in sexual desire. It does not include delusions, paranoia, or hallucinations that can come with Mania

On Shrinking

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned off-hand that he was headed to the gym. He jokingly added that his mantra is, “Must get bigger.” I laughed and told him that I have never once in my life had that thought. We talked for a minute about the irony that (in general) men tend to go to the gym to get bigger while women go to get smaller.

This conversation played in my head over the next few weeks, and it occurred to me that my own mantra in so many parts of my life seems to be, “Must get smaller.”

I am talking about my body, of course. A body I have long struggled to love, and in fact, find myself hating more and more each year. But more on that some other time. Because I am also talking about the rest of me.

I’m talking about how much time I spend trying to shrink my too-big, too-wild feelings down to a manageable size. How I constantly fight to curb my too-loud, too-opinionated, too-clumsy, too-anxious self. How I leave most social engagements, and turn to Jonathan to ask, “Was I OK? Was I obnoxious? Did I talk too much? Did I embarrass you? Did I make anyone else uncomfortable?” *

I worry that my decisions are too-selfish. That my desires are too-frivolous. That my dreams are too-big. That my appetite for food, for life, for adventure, is too-much.  I am constantly aware of the space I take up and how often it feels like more than I deserve. And in sharing all of this, I now worry that I am being too-vulnerable. And that maybe all of this is just a product of my being too-selfish and too-whiny.

Of course, I want to cultivate truth in my life and to cut away the things that are not good for myself or for others. I’m not saying I should allow my worst qualities to run free. But how can I expect to grow when I spend so much time intent on shrinking myself down to fit into the limited space I am told I deserve?

I want to live a big life. A life where my love–for my family and friends, for my work, for freedom and justice, for the hurting, for beauty and diversity, and for the work of God in the world–is so expansive that it cannot be contained. I want passion and empathy and joy and grace to flow out of me and into whatever corner of the world I happen to be in.

I am tired of asking for permission to take up space. I am tired of apologizing because I have desires and dreams that don’t always align with other people’s expectations or are outside of their realm of understanding. I am tired of sucking in my stomach all day every day so I can pretend to have a more acceptable amount of belly fat. And I am tired of trying so hard to rein in all that seems unacceptable about me that I’ve been shrinking my soul in the process. I want to come to peace with all of my dimensions–from the circumference of my thighs, to the depth of my sadness, to the volume of my laughter. I want to take up space.

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*I’ve written before here about my social anxiety

What I’m Into: October 2018

This month has been especially busy for us, but mostly full of nice things. We did some traveling and had a friend come for a visit. We don’t have much of anything planned for November at the moment, and I’m actually looking forward to a few weeks of a normal routine. I admit that as obnoxious as it is when people post about how wonderful fall is, they have a point and now that I am living somewhere without a fall, I am definitely missing it. People here have started to dress like it’s fall, but it’s still in the low 80’s every day. It does get into the 70’s in the mornings and evenings which does feel like a nice change, but it’s hardly cause for sweaters and coats.

What I’m Reading

I read 11 books this month. Sadly, I am still about 20 books behind on my goal for the year. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but I will be pretty impressed if I can pull this off. All of the books I read this month are pictured below, but I will just mention a few standouts.

36301023My Plain Jane by Cynthia Hand, Jodi Meadows, and Brodi Ashton. I had been waiting for this book ever since I read the trio’s first book,  My Lady Jane, last year. In this re-telling of Jane Eyre, Jane is not a fictional character created by Charlotte Bronte, but instead is a real life friend of hers whose Charlotte uses as the inspiration for her classic novel. Only this Jane can see dead people. It is every bit as silly and delightful as My Lady Jane and I definitely recommend you listen to the audiobook.

 

 

Under the Banner of Heaven by Jon Krakauer. This book has been out for a long time and 10847I can’t believe I only just got around to it since it is about one of my secret fascinations – fundamentalist polygamist cults. The thing that stood out to me in listening to this compelling account of the history of fundamentalist Mormonism was how similar so much of the language is to what you would hear in a mainstream American evangelical church. For example, I can’t tell you how many times in my life I heard someone say, “I prayed about it and I felt the Lord leading me to do x, y, z.” Many of the stories in this book have that same language, but, you know, the thing the Lord is leading them to do is marry 13 year olds or slay the infidels. So there’s that. Seriously though, this book is fascinating and done in Krakauer’s typical thorough and engaging style.

34128219La Belle Sauvage (The Book of Dust) by Philip Pullman. It was great fun to dive back into Pullman’s world and to get more of the back story on Lyra, the heroine of the His Dark Materials trilogy. Pullman’s storytelling was every bit as compelling in this book as it is in the original trilogy, though I do have to dock it a few points because I felt the last third of the book dragged on for too long.

 

 

35270717Unthinkable: What the World’s Most Extraordinary Brains Can Teach Us About Our Own by Helen Thomson. This book was fascinating. I’m not a scientist, so I appreciated how accessible this was for an unscientific audience. Thomson traveled the world meeting with people with rare psychological disorders and talking about those disorders both as they experienced them and in terms of what doctors and researchers had learned about the brain by studying the brains of these unique individuals. Her subjects include a man who believed he was dead for 3 years, a woman who constantly hears music that isn’t there, and a man who believes he turns into a tiger. In my opinion, Thomson was able to write about these people as real humans instead of distilling them down to their condition.

The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang. This debut novel has gotten rave reviews with good 35068705reason. If you are looking for a fantasy novel you won’t be disappointed by, look no further. Rin is a poor, dark-skinned war orphan with no prospects, but after receiving the highest score in the Empire on the entrance exam for the empire’s top Academies, she earns a spot at Sinegard, the most elite military academy. There she learns the art of war and discovers her own unique gift in shamanism, widely believed to be a dead art. When war breaks out, Rin learns the true cost of her gift and what it might take to save her people. I will say, there is a lot of descriptive violence and brutality on the page in this book, but it’s fantastic. And it’s the first in a series so there will be more to come!

What I’m Watching

We are trying to catch up on the current seasons of Better Call Saul and The Good Place. Meanwhile, I have been on an Elementary kick. I’ve seen random episodes of the show off and on over the years, but never really followed it, so now I am taking advantage of Netflix and watching old episodes.

We also went to see A Star is Born. There was much weeping. That really got me in the feels. And also, I already knew Lady Gaga was wildly talented, and I think she is so interesting, but her acting in this was top notch. And of course…Bradley Cooper. Just…sigh. When we left the theater I was blinking back my tears and said to Jonathan, “We will never speak of this again.” It’s beyond my emotional capacity to handle how many feelings this movie gave me. Go see it, everyone. But then don’t talk to me about it. Because I just can’t.

What I’m Writing

While I was out having adventures a lot this month, I didn’t do quite as good a job of documenting them. But I did write about our day trip to Macau and told some fun stories about odd things I’ve eaten recently and some funny ESL moments with my students. Please follow me on Keep Roaming On for more of my day-to-day adventures and stories from my travels. I have a ton of things half-written, but I guess I have been struggling with follow through this month.

What’s On My Mind

This is a new section of the monthly post and it’s basically a place for me to word vomit some things that have been filling my thoughts lately and haven’t made their way out in the form of a blog post.

  1. The amount of hatred in the world, but particularly in the US right now is terrifying and heartbreaking. My heart is heavy for the many victims of injustice and violence who are suffering right now. Lord, have mercy.
  2. It’s hard to make new friends as an adult. Like seriously hard. But it makes me really appreciate the close friends I have who have continued to make the effort to be friends even though I’m the one who decided to pick up and move across the world.
  3. When we were in the Philippines mid-October, the shops were playing Christmas music. This felt wrong on so many levels. Rocking out to “All I Want for Christmas is You” while sipping mojitos on an island beach was…incongruous to say the least. And then yesterday (October 31st) the stores in the area where I work started putting out their Christmas lights. And I thought the US was bad about starting Christmas too early…
  4. One of our cats back in the US has been missing for several weeks. I try not to think about it too much because it makes me so sad, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know this is not on the scale of anti-semitism and cancer, but on tough days it feels like the actual worst.
  5. Speaking of cancer, my cousin’s double mastectomy went well and they believe they got it all, but she will have to undergo a round of chemo just to be safe. She is a strong and beautiful woman who is already using her story to help other people. I’m kind of in awe of her.
  6. Having to meet your friends’ babies over FaceTime is both an amazing marvel of technology and also somewhat devastating. You cannot get that new baby smell or the feel their little fuzzy bodies through a phone screen. But thank goodness there’s a way for us to actually see each other live. We take it for granted, but if I had been living in Hong Kong even like 15 years ago this would have been impossible.

What I’ve Been Up To

On October 10th, my bestie had her first baby, a truly gorgeous little girl with hair to die for. (Yes, this is a different baby than the one that was born last month). Natalie Loren, you are loved all the way across the world!

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I’m dead. Completely dead. 

On October 14th, we flew to Cebu, Philippines where we stayed for 4 nights in a hotel with the biggest bed I have ever seen. It was literally five Lily-lengths wide. I know because I counted. It was amazing. We had some very chilled beach time and also went out to Kawasan Falls and to the top of Osmeña Peak. It was like being in The Jungle Book.

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We stayed for four nights and then flew back to Hong Kong where my lifelong friend Rachel met us the very next day. She had been working in Bangkok and flew up for a few days before heading back to the US. So we spent 3 days playing.

Last weekend I had to go to Macau again to activate my new visa, but because Jonathan and I were both tired and didn’t really want to spend the money on another trip to Macau, I went by myself. I rode the ferry over, walked through immigration and into the ferry terminal, then went up the escalator and walked back through immigration the other direction and got on the next ferry back to Hong Kong. The whole thing took a few hours, but I was in Macau all of 10 minutes. The government, man.

So that’s me. I feel like we haven’t chatted in forever. What’s been going on with you guys? Read anything great recently? Or just want to commiserate on the sorry state of the world? Leave a comment or send me a message. I’m still here.

 

 

 

What I’m Into: September 2018 Edition

This month has been full of somewhat dramatic events in my personal life. Obviously, I moved across the world in August, so much of September involved getting settled into a routine here in Hong Kong, getting used to a new job, and exploring our new home. I’ve been writing a lot about our experiences here over on my new travel/expat living website: Keep Roaming On. I’ve even started a YouTube channel where I’m dabbling with vlogging some of our adventures. If you are interested in reading/watching, please follow me in those places!

What I’m Reading

In spite of all of these other ventures, I’ve still found a good bit of time to read between the typhoon days and during my daily commute. Actually, I think it may be an all-time record for me. I read 14 books in September.

One of my go-to genres for easy reading is the domestic/psychological thriller. I admit that I am often unimpressed with these books, but for whatever reason I keep picking them up. Most books in this genre rely upon a twist of some sort, and I often find the twist either not twisty at all or implausible, which leaves me with a “meh” reaction. But I enjoy how fast-paced they are, and I like trying to figure out what’s really going on. Since I read so many books this month, I’m only going to comment on the ones I particularly liked…spoiler alert, most of the thrillers didn’t make it.

32075853Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli Kaur Jaswal. This was the surprise standout for me this month. I’m not even sure what made me pick it up, but this book was bomb. Erotic stories don’t do much for me (I just can’t take “sexy” descriptions seriously), but the erotic stories in this book are simply a device to talk about so much more. A group of Punjabi widows sign up for a writing class. Their teacher, a young British/Punjabi woman, thinks she will be helping these women to write the stories of their lives, but she is unprepared for the stories they truly want to tell. This is a book about a tight knit immigrant community, about female friendships, and about women who have lived their whole lives without power or agency finding ways to gain those things while still holding onto the traditions and values of their community.

36344555All We Ever Wanted by Emily Giffin. I’ve loved Emily Giffin for years, but I didn’t enjoy her last book (before this one), so I was pleasantly surprised by All We Ever Wanted. While Giffin’s previous books have all had some sort of romance at their core, this one didn’t. I think Giffin’s decision to steer away from that helped her showcase her skills as a storyteller and the strength of her characterizations. This book handles serious issues like how to raise teenagers (particularly sons) in the midst of rape culture and some of the less obvious ways that privilege asserts itself. It’s not a perfect book, but I found it very engaging and I liked it.

27161845-1Here’s to Us by Elin Hilderbrand. Elin Hilderbrand is a new discovery/obsession of mine. I had never picked up her books before because I thought they would all be very chick-lit-y. Actually, the books I’ve read so far combine two of my favorite genres – rich white people problems and stories that look at how multiple members of a family or a community experience one event. This book tells the story of the aftermath of celebrity chef Deacon Thorpe’s sudden death as his three ex-wives and his children come together to say goodbye. To be honest, not that much happens in this book, but what I enjoyed about it was the different characters’ perspectives, interactions, and motivations. And…Nantucket.

 

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Calypso by David Sedaris. David Sedaris is strange and sometimes dark, but undeniably hilarious. This was one of my favorites of his essay collections. I highly recommend listening to it on audio since he reads it himself and his delivery adds a lot to the text.

 

 

 

34189556The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen. This thriller was a rare case where I was surprised by the initial twist AND I thought it worked. Admittedly, I didn’t enjoy the parts of the book that came after the twist as much as the first portion, but it still rates as above average compared to other psychological/domestic thrillers I’ve read recently. It’s the story of a young woman preparing to marry a too-good-to-be-true man while being stalked by his ex-wife. (Or is it?)

 

I also read:

What I’m Watching

Jonathan and I have been watching Better Call Saul, which is a spin-off from one of Jonathan’s favorite shows, Breaking Bad. I’ve never watched a single episode of Breaking Bad, but thankfully it doesn’t really matter for understanding this show. It’s a drama, but it’s the perfect blend of serious and comic and from what I understand, nowhere near as dark as Breaking Bad.

Thanks to my sister-in-law, I also discovered the series Marcella on Netflix. As another British detective show, it filled the hole left by Broadchurch. However, there are only two seasons at this point so now I am back to needing more shows like this.

Jonathan and I went to see Crazy Rich Asians in the theater. It was a unique experience to watch this in Hong Kong since it has an all-Asian cast and is set in this part of the world. I loved it. The books are even better. But I still loved it. We also went to see the latest Mission Impossible movie which was all action all the time and a lot of fun.

What I’m Writing

Most of my writing has been over on Keep Roaming On, where I’ve done posts about the typhoon, some fun weekly posts with observations about daily life here, and posts about hiking in Hong Kong, as well as a few posts about our experiences in Ireland earlier this summer. I also wrote an update here on this blog about my mental health since moving to Hong Kong.

What I’ve Been Up To

I have had lots of daily life adventures getting used to a new city, but it’s also been a month with a lot of ups and downs.

At the beginning of the month, we did an incredibly strenuous, but also beautiful hike up Lion Rock. I thought I was going to die, but it was worth it. Except for the part where we saw the monkeys. Because those things will rip your face off.

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We experienced our first typhoon which also happened to be the strongest recorded typhoon to hit Hong Kong. It was equivalent to a Category 5 Hurricane in the Atlantic and it was awe-inspiring and terrifying. We are so thankful to have been safe and sound and that our home did not suffer any damage.

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Typhoon damage outside of our apartment

A few days later, one of my closest friends back in the US had a beautiful baby girl…in her front hallway, 5 minutes after the firemen arrived. Sweet baby girl was in a big hurry to make her entrance, arriving just an hour and a half after my friend first thought, “I think we’re going to have a baby today.”

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Emmaline Alma Kroll

Then I learned that my beautiful, healthy 35-year-old cousin had been diagnosed with breast cancer after a routine check-up. After a whirlwind of tests, she had a double mastectomy earlier this week. They are still waiting to decide if she will need follow-up chemo, but all seems to have gone well. Through the whole thing, she has been so brave and strong, immediately wanting to share her story with others to encourage them to be proactive about their own health.

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Last weekend we had to leave the country on a visa run, so we took the one-hour ferry ride over to Macau and spent the day wandering around this strange and interesting city where the signs are in Portuguese and Cantonese and the shimmering casinos are just a few streets over from historical church ruins.

It was also Mid-Autumn Festival, a major holiday in the Chinese calendar celebrated with lanterns and moon cakes, so we went down to a lantern display on Hong Kong Island to join the celebrations.

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This month was full of emotional ups and downs for me as I experienced the danger of the typhoon, the joy of baby Emmaline’s safe arrival and the sadness of not being there to meet her, the shock and the sadness over my cousin’s cancer, and the wonder of exploring a new place.  It’s been a month chock-full of life in all of it’s splendor and all of it’s brutality, and I’ve come to the end of it grateful for the grace and provision I have seen in my life and the lives of many I love this month.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving Abroad With Mental Illness

Many of you have (kindly) asked how my move to Hong Kong and transition to life here has affected my mental health. This past April, just over a year from when I was diagnosed with Type 2 Bipolar Disorder and a slew of other anxiety and panic disorders, I started a new combination of medications. One is an anti-depressant, and one is for severe moments of anxiety. I had reached what felt like a breaking point in my life and this was the third treatment option my doctor and I were trying.  Within just a few weeks I was stunned to realize that I felt “normal” for the first time in as long as I can remember.

Normal meant I was no longer waking up in the morning with twisted knot in the pit of my stomach before I had even opened my eyes. I no longer entered each day feeling defeated and on edge, like at any moment the tenuous rope of functionality I was holding onto could unravel. Yes, some days I still struggled with anxiety, especially when faced with something particularly triggering. But where my base level for anxiety used to never dip below a 4 on a 10-point scale, even on my most stable days, now I find that many days, my baseline is a 1 or a 2.

The best way I can describe it is that it feels like relaxing your muscles after holding them all in tension every moment of every day for years. Most days this feels like a miracle.

The past few months have objectively been extremely stressful. I think the stress of moving internationally, changing jobs, and being separated from your spouse are things that would cause anyone a decent amount of anxiety.  I don’t deny that there have still been moments where I have been overwhelmed with anxiety and fear. I have also been deeply sad about leaving behind my life in Columbia. But the thing that stands out to me is that somehow, I have managed to cope in a way I don’t think I could’ve done a year ago, or even back in March. And not only cope, but find moments of sheer joy and new excitement for this new life.

I can’t describe my gratitude for this. And at the same time, I have to acknowledge the fact that I am not “cured”. I am on a journey. I am managing so much better than I was a year ago, but it’s not as simple as just popping those two little pills each night. My mental health is a holistic battle and the reality is that it will probably be a lifelong fight.

This past Sunday we visited a church for the first time since coming to Hong Kong. We haven’t really met anyone here besides coworkers, and we are hoping to find a community. Throughout the afternoon I could feel myself getting more and more anxious. By the time we left our apartment, I felt like I was in a daze. Everything seemed a little too bright and blurry around the edges and the sounds around me were like a low buzz in my ears. Jonathan tried to talk to me about other plans for the night and for the future, and I could barely process what he was saying to me. Eventually he gave up talking to me until after the service was over.

After we sat down in the church auditorium (which looked like the church auditorium of many an evangelical church in America), all of my thoughts and all of my energy were consumed with trying to get through the service without panicking. Understand, it was a perfectly normal evangelical-style church service. There was nothing particularly objectionable about it. But for most of the service I felt simultaneously like my skin was on fire and like I was going to pass out. “You are OK. This is OK. There is nothing wrong here,” I kept chanting to myself.

After the service was over, we ducked out and went to dinner where I tried to explain to Jonathan what I’d been feeling but failed (though he was gracious as always). By the time we got home later that evening, I was utterly exhausted. Coming down off of the adrenaline that had fueled me through the afternoon was like crashing after a sugar high. My whole body ached.

Moving abroad has helped move me out of some old patterns that were not good for me. At the same time, it’s launched me into a world of unknowns, a somewhat precarious place for bipolar planner like me.

The thing about mental illness is, it’s effing scary. It’s scary to feel like you don’t have control over your own mind, or that your body has these visceral reactions you may not even understand. It’s scary to know that it’s possible for your feelings to not accurately reflect reality. The fight for wholeness and wellness forces me to choose every single day to actively work towards healing.

It’s a holistic effort. Medication is a blessing, but it is not enough. Meditation, exercise, and diet help. Nurturing life-giving relationships helps. Prayer helps. Avoiding triggering situations helps. Turning off the introspection to show love and care to the people I encounter every day helps. But the thing that helps the most is hope. Hope each morning when I wake up that today can be a good day. It can be good no matter what yesterday was like and no matter what may come tomorrow. Today I can be well.

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PS- I just wanted to give another shout out for my new travel website www.keeproamingon.com. I’m proud of the work I’m doing there and would love to have you follow me if you are interested in sharing my travel and living abroad adventures. You can follow by clicking the follow button at the very bottom of each page.

 

 

 

 

Introducing…Keep Roaming On

Faithful friends, today is the day! I am so excited to announce the launch of my new website Keep Roaming On. This site will be dedicated to travel adventures and advice, to feeding your wanderlust (and my own), and to telling the stories of our daily life in Hong Kong and of all the people we meet along the way.

I will still be keeping Such Small Hands active and will continue to post here about topics like reading, faith, mental health that don’t necessarily fit under the general travel/living abroad umbrella.

In the meantime, I would love for you to head over to the new site which already has a few posts up, and follow or subscribe by email if you are interested in what’s going on there. You can also follow Keep Roaming On on Instagram and Twitter for more of a daily dose of life here in Hong Kong and tips from other travels over the past few years. If you have any specific requests for topics you’d like me to cover, please let me know!

https://www.keeproamingon.com