Sex Talk: New Relevant Article and Some Better Ways to Talk about Sex

A few months ago, Relevant asked me if I would do a sort of follow-up article to the article I published back in June, one that specifically dealt with overcoming shame in your sex life. I admit, I felt oddly stumped by this. I didn’t want to offer generic advice that boiled down to a bunch of clichés like, “Let go and let God.” At the same time, I didn’t want to take my experience and make it a how-to list. I didn’t want to claim that anyone can find freedom from shame by following these 5 easy steps. In the end, all I could really say is, “This is what happened to me. I hope it’s helpful or encouraging in some way.” That article was published over at Relevant today.

When I write pieces that point to the places I think purity culture got it wrong, I inevitably get comments saying, “Ok, but how should we talk about sex?” That’s a fair question and one that I hope a lot of people who are smarter and more influential than I am will put a lot of thought and time into answering. I don’t have a complete answer, but I do have a few thoughts about it.

I’ve shared some of these thoughts in different articles and guest posts over the past few months, but I decided to streamline them here. If you’re tired of reading about sex and purity culture, I will understand if you give this one a pass. I’m kind of tired of it myself. 😉

I don’t think churches are going to stop teaching abstinence. I’m not trying to make an argument that churches should stop teaching abstinence. But if churches are going to teach purity and abstinence then one thing that needs to change is the language we use to talk about sex, especially with teenagers.

What We Should Stop Saying:

Purity culture is famous for its metaphors. Growing up I heard things like, “Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car” used to warn teenagers that any physical contact (including holding hands and kissing) was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication. I also saw and heard many illustrations that compared a person (usually a girl) who lost their virginity to a stick of gum that had already been chewed, to a rose that has had all of its petals pulled off, to a toothbrush that a lot of people have used, or to a cup of water that a bunch of people have spit into.

These kinds of metaphors equate humans and human sexuality with objects. They carry connotations that have resonance far beyond their intended effect. If you are used to thinking of human sexuality as a machine – an engine that starts if you hit the right buttons – you are ignoring the complexity of human sexuality and are isolating it from its place in the framework of our humanity.  Before marriage it looks like this; “Don’t press this button or flip that switch or you’ll cause sex to happen.” After marriage it can look like this: “I pressed all the buttons and flipped all the right switches – I am expecting sex to happen.” And if it doesn’t happen, “What did I do wrong?” or worse, “What’s wrong with my partner that they aren’t responding the way they are supposed to?”

Human sexuality is complex and it can’t be (and shouldn’t be) separated from our emotional, mental, spiritual, or otherwise physical state. This kind of language enforces the idea that our sex drive is the thing that controls us, rather than teaching a biblical, holistic view of the person where all the aspects of our humanity are equally valued.

The second set of illustrations (the chewed gum, the stripped rose) carry the message that our primary value is in our sexuality, or more specifically in our virginity. They say that our worth is tied to one part of us – our sexual status. This a terrible way to talk about a human being. It creates the image that sexual sin is the unforgiveable one because you can’t get clean once you’re dirty. It also provides a strong connotation of sex being dirty. Sure these illustrations are meant to be about pre-marital sex, but it’s pretty hard to make that distinction when the thought of sex conjures up the image of a dirty toothbrush or a communal spit cup.

What We Could Say Instead:

I think churches should focus more on teaching wholeness. Youth pastors should teach about whole and healthy relationships instead of isolating sex as though it exists in a vacuum.

I have seen and heard many Christian leaders try to produce “purity” in teenagers by building fear. The message is often something along the lines of “If you take one step down this road, you will lose control and not be able to stop yourself.”

I have to wonder if this isn’t a little bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy with teenagers. If you are constantly being told (directly or indirectly) that you are incapable of making good decisions, eventually you will start to believe it.

This kind of language fails to look at the person (specifically the teenager) as a holistic being. This attitude ASSUMES that teenagers must be controlled by their sex drive above all else. It teaches them to set strong boundaries out of fear that they will lose control instead of teaching them that their sexuality can exist in healthy balance with the other parts of their humanity.

I wonder if instead of teaching teenagers that they need to set these boundaries because they CAN’T make good decisions, we honored them as whole human beings who possess a sex drive, but also will and intellect and emotions and, most importantly for Christians, the indwelling of the Holy Spirit which gives us the power to make right choices. Teenagers (and adults!) are still growing in their ability to handle all of these things. Even as adults we need healthy boundaries around any activities that we may go overboard with and that would cause one aspect of our humanity to be out of balance with the others. Setting boundaries is a way that we help ourselves to grow in wholeness.

So instead of looking at it through the lens of “These are the things I’m not going to do because I am afraid I’ll lose control” I think it would be far more powerful to choose what you ARE going to do and why you are going to do it. “I’m going to set boundaries that help me make wise choices so that I can grow as a WHOLE and complete person.”

With this kind of attitude, the boundaries you set are not just about controlling or suppressing sexuality. They are about engaging your mind and your will, creating opportunities to listen to the Holy Spirit and to grow in your ability to consistently make good decisions. Boundaries are not about restricting you because you are out of control. Boundaries are about creating opportunity for you to make the good decisions that you ARE capable of making.

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10 comments

  1. Great post Lily. Teaching wholeness instead of throwing out warning signs – i like that and i like that we continue to be able to talk about sex and sexuality on here and hopefully the church takes notice.

    Have got some stuff on my blog about that, both on Sex before Marriage [https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/taboo-topics-sex-before-marriage-intro] and Sex in Marriage [https://brettfish.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/taboo-topics-sex-in-marriage-intro] but i do think this isa topic we could be speaking a whole lot more about.

    Loved your humble stance of not knowing the answers but here is some stuff i tried…
    Keep on
    love brett fish

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    1. Thanks, Brett. And thanks for sharing these links! I definitely don’t think I have all the answers for this, but I’m encouraged the more people who are wanting to talk about it because I think collaboration is how we will arrive at some new ideas. 🙂 How’s the book launch going? I’m planning to mention it in my next book chat.

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      1. The one that is 8 days away!!!!! Flip, yes, can’t wait… it is available on the Amazon already if you are up to sharing a link when you talk about it and looking for reviews there as well for those who have read it… yay! Super stoked and everything coming together nicely…

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  2. Oh Lily, this was perfect. I’m not sure what else to say. Being able to talk with you about some of these topics and read your writings has been so helpful and healing for me. It’s made me feel less alone, and I desperately needed that. Thank you.

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  3. Unfortunately we as a church has made sexual sins somehow “worse” than other sins, and have not given any good reasons as to why. In God’s eyes all sin separates us from Him and is ultimately destructive to ourselves and damaging to His kingdom. Sexual sins can have devastating consequences for ourselves and for others, and for society as a whole, to be sure. But I agree with you that making sex out to be “dirty” or merely a “mechanical” process is not helpful. We need to do a much better job of explaining why following God’s standards in sexuality (as in everything else) is ultimately much more freeing and healthy for ourselves and those we love. Thanks for these articles, I think they give people good food for thought.

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    1. Yes, I often feel that people tend to “rank” sins based on the consequences because they think that not pushing potential consequences in people’s faces is being “soft on sin” in some way. This always makes me think of the parable where the man hires people to work in his vineyard throughout the day and at the end of the day pays everyone the same amount. The people who were hired earliest are upset because they felt they deserved to be paid more even though they were paid the price they had agreed upon in the beginning. I think we can be this way about sin. Yes, there are consequences for sin, but there is also grace and forgiveness and it’s the same grace and forgiveness we receive when we gossip or judge others or eat gluttonously. I also just think there’s something inherently wrong in trying to convince people to do the right thing because they will like the results. It turns obedience into a sales pitch. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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