I think I have finally reached the point of total and complete burnout as far as my job is concerned. After months of struggling with a sense of purpose in what I’m doing and some frustration with the monotony of it, I’ve finally reached a point where even the weekends aren’t enough recuperation and nothing seems to encourage me. While I genuinely do love the kids I am with, I am tired all of the time and I am bored out of my mind. I am completely out of patience and feel that I cannot answer one more question. Except for naptime in the afternoon, I spend 7-8 hours a day entertaining and verbally responding to a preschooler and a toddler and half of that is correcting, cajoling, convincing, rebuking, or coming up with creative and interesting things for them to do. I’m worn out. I’m committed to this job until the end of May. Intellectually, I know that’s not forever. But right now, it feels like forever. And every morning when my alarm goes off everything in me screams, “NO!”
Jonathan and I continue to wait for good news from the schools he’s applied to, but so far there hasn’t been any. We’ve begun to discuss where we’ll go and what we’ll do if school isn’t on the table for next year. It’s somewhat exciting to think about moving somewhere new based on nothing more than an interest in the location, but it can also be overwhelming and frightening. Mostly though I am frustrated and feel defeated. I am so tremendously proud of my husband for applying to these programs that are highly selective and are evaluating your creative work which is often so deeply personal. I think he is so brave for pursuing something like this and it took a lot for him to even allow himself to pursue it simply because he felt it was impractical. I am frustrated with God because I don’t understand why he would have given him this dream and given him the courage to pursue it if it isn’t even going to work out. And I feel completely at a loss as to how to encourage him in the midst of this. I don’t know how to make him believe that whatever the outcome, he is tremendously talented and gifted and that I respect and admire what he’s done so much. Just saying the words doesn’t seem to be enough.
I also had a tremendously selfish conversation with my husband in the midst of all of this where I whined about not being seen as a writer or taken seriously for my writing. It was juvenile and pathetic and the truth remains that I have not produced anything new creatively in almost a year. This is my own fault. No one sees me as a writer because, well, I don’t write.
So friends, this isn’t a witty, endearing, or uplifting blog post, but it is an honest post. I feel like I am failing. I am failing as a nanny. I am failing at being an encouraging, supportive wife. I am failing as a writer. I feel empty. Like I have nothing left to give. But this one promise keeps echoing through my mind. A voice that says, “My grace is sufficient for you. My strength is made perfect in your weakness.”
Lil, you are a beautiful writer. Keep up the blogging. (I’ll keep up the stalking.) And be encouraged, because sometimes we burn out just in time to light an entirely different wick. I’ll call you after spring break! Love.
Thanks, Hils. What a beautiful image. Thanks for that. And yes, please call after break! 🙂
didn’t know you had a blog
loved reading your latest post
you are lovely and exquisite and God has great things for you two. 🙂
Thanks, Jenn! I’ve read your blog too and appreciate all of the updates. Thanks for reading and for the encouragement. 🙂
I like what Hilary said about burning out just to light an entirely new wick. Life gets monotonous, boring and sometimes even slightly pointless in our minds. Take it from someone who recently felt hopeless in one part of life only for God to clearly open an entire different part. Know this, His desire is not for you to just aimlessly live through life. He has given you unique gifts for a reason, and they will be used for greater purposes in His kingdom. Why would He have given them to you if He didn’t have a plan? Love you!!!
Thank you, friend. I agree with you that God doesn’t want us to wander aimlessly, and I don’t want to either, but I still don’t have any idea what that plan might be. Please keep praying with me as I continue to ask God what it is he’s made me for. Love you too.
You know I will! 🙂
Lily i loved ur honesty in this blog. Seems like forever ago that we had our “Disney Princess Party” and watched Lion King 1&1/2. Now we’re supposed to be “grown ups” with the careers that actually involve our degrees. i definitely share ur feelings of anxiousness while waiting to see what God has in store for my life. I know He has big plans for us, but sometimes it’s soo hard not knowing what the future holds.
Just know that ur writing matters cuz that blog was exactly what i needed to hear at the moment that i read it.
B! Thank you so much for reading and for your comment! In a way, I am sad that so many of my friends are experiencing similar feelings of anxiousness, frustration, and purposelessness, but at the same time, it is so encouraging to know that I’m not alone. That maybe it isn’t just that I missed the boat on this one, but that perhaps God is doing something bigger than I can see or understand right now. It doesn’t necessarily transform my worries into perfect peace, but it does help to know that I’m not alone and it’s not lot everyone else has things figured out and I’m the only one who can’t seem to do it. Praying for you, girl, as you walk through this season too. I so appreciate your comment. Love you, B.
reading your blog witnessed that my inner voice is resounding the same way…. i m succeeding in doing nothing!!
its a trash feeling though… even being on-job, it seems my potentials and capabilities are getting weaker day onwards… i believe in myself, but to combat the fears and rejuvenate those potentials are actually needed.
thank you for raising the voice in terms of this blog.