For the second part of my Sex and the Church series I am so honored to have my dear friend, Briana Meade contributing this beautiful letter to her daughter. I am so moved by her vulnerability in this post. Briana and I went to Wheaton College together and even did a study abroad together one summer, but somehow didn’t really connect until we both began writing years later. I am a huge fan of her writing and an even bigger fan of her heart. Briana is currently working with her agent on a book about millenials and blogging at http://brianameade.com.
If you missed the first post in this series, you can find it here. You can also subscribe to or follow this blog (see the Subscribe via Email box on the side) to make sure you catch the rest of the awesome guest posts in this series. I am also still accepting guest posts. If you have a story you want to tell you can email me at lily.e.dunn at gmail.com.
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Dear Zoe,
I want to tell you a story. It starts out with a group of boys and girls. They are handed thick pledges that look like business cards.
“I promise God…” the cards begin.
There is a 5th grader in the corner. She has sparkly tennis shoes. She bites her lip in concentration, doodles sparkly pen onto the card. She whirls her signature carefully, dotting the “I” with a little star. She giggles and turns to the girl next to her.
I remember exactly where I was. It was an air-conditioned room with pillows strewn on the floor. I had a crush on the boy next to me—another fifth grader with a cowlick haircut. I determined, in my heart, way before I knew the obstacles I would face, that I would meet my husband at the altar. That I would be proud.
That same day, I was told that I was a gift, waiting to be unwrapped. I imagined myself as a silver present with a droopy silk pink bow. What a beautiful gift I would be. My future husband would round the corner to see a shiny treasure bound with perfect execution, tiny triangles folded and taped on the edges. That was virginity. Me wrapped in a box.
This was the beginning. Over the next eight years I learned more lessons from the church – that my womanly body was dangerous and shameful and needed to be hidden.
That my body was a commodity – a wrapped gift, a perfect rose, an un-chewed stick of gum. And along with that, that I had no agency in the matter of my sexuality. It was something that would be “opened” by or “given” to someone else.
That there are two kinds of girls in the world –girls who adhered to modesty/virginity requirements and those who didn’t. That those girls would be separated like grain from chaff. That this was the ultimate value judgment. And we did not discuss what it meant in cases of sexual abuse and rape for girls to be “unwrapped” without a choice.
I lost my virginity at sixteen. I heard every single one of these messages communicated loud and clear. But I also heard very gentle messages from my parents that were affirming and compassionate.
This was a message I received from the church—your body belongs (as a gift) to your future husband, your parents, Jesus, the church.
I want you to know, darling, that this was a lie. My body belongs to me. It is me. I am my body. My self cannot be separated from it.
You are a beautiful gem. Your body is yours. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have to learn to steward it but you are not a gift for any human being, nor will you ever be. You are not a bouquet of roses or dahlias or sunflowers waiting to be “given” away. You are purely, ultimately, only you.
You with your ability to jump a foot in the air. You with your twirling on the tile at your daddy’s work like a ballerina. You with your laughter and underwater bubbling in the soapy tub. You as a stomping teenager. You someday as a spectacular, beautiful adult with a body.
The real gift, my dear, is sex. Sex is the gift, waiting to be unwrapped. Sex is lying on the table wrapped in blue paper hearts, waiting for the perfect occasion.
If you open sex early, you are still loved. You are still body. You are still you.
If you open it on time, the celebration will be easier and it will be good.
This gift is for you, dear. When you open it early, it is often disappointing. It diminishes the power of perfect timing.
Could it still be disappointing if you wait to open the gift? Maybe. I can’t promise you anything. It’s entirely possible.
Wrap your heart around the receipt of the gift and the true giver. That celebratory day will have streamers and confetti and cake.
You’ll join the person you love the most, who has shown up to enjoy your gift with you.
This man who will carry the treasure side-by-side—from apartment to house—for the rest of this remarkable short life.
What a holy, surprising, and beautiful adventure.
It is good, this gift that God has given you of sex. I’m sorry if anyone’s told you differently, but you are not the gift. Your body is not the gift.
Don’t let anyone tell you anything else.
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Briana Meade is a twenty-something mother of two toddlers who is passionate about singing “Royals,” Starbucks Salted Caramel Mochas, and learning that she is not a special millennial snowflake. Though not in that order, exactly. She writes at http://brianameade.com and tweets @BrianaMeade.
Lily Ellyn 