I’m an Introvert, Not a Recluse: On Joining the Quiet Revolution

Sometimes people are surprised to learn to that I consider myself strongly introverted. To many people, introvert is a synonym for anti-social, shy, or awkward.

I understand why people are surprised. After all, I do talk to people. I don’t seem especially shy.  Sometimes I’m even loud and boisterous. But what most people don’t see is how most of the time I have to fight my urge to back out of social commitments and just stay home. They don’t see how I get so anxious and nervous before a party, or meeting new people, or having an uncomfortable conversation, or hanging out with someone who feels out-of-my-league, that I sweat through my clothes and my whole body shakes so hard that my teeth chatter.

I’ve written here before about my (apparently well-hidden) social anxiety and how my classic remedy has often been to over-compensate, pushing myself to be overly cheerful, loud, energetic, and funny (and usually becoming pretty obnoxious in the process) when in social settings. I didn’t realize until fairly recently that all of these things are coping mechanisms of a sort. They are ways that I try to handle my anxiety and they are ways that I try to conform to an extroverted ideal.

Last year I read Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking. This book was fascinating on so many levels. It helped me make sense of the parts of my personality I’d always viewed as contradictory or even flawed and it helped me recognize all the ways that Western culture embraces extroversion as the ideal and subtly (or not-so-subtly) encourages us to act like extroverts even if we aren’t.

I am introverted in the most classic sense of the word – I am more energized by being alone than I am by being with people. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like being with people and it doesn’t mean that I have no social skills. It simply means that being with other people takes more energy from me than it gives, so I have to spend time alone in a peaceful environment to reboot and regain energy.

However, I am also a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). As the name suggests, HSPs are people who are very sensitive to their surroundings. In Quiet, Cain presents research on HSPs that was very meaningful to me because it made sense of parts of my personality I couldn’t’ understand. HSPs can get easily irritated by loud noises or bright lights or harsh textures. They can be more easily upset by things like violent movies and can have difficulty handling stressful situations without becoming overwhelmed. But HSPs are also tend to experience empathy and compassion more easily, to appreciate the finer things in life, and to have a rich and complex inner life.

Not all highly sensitive people are introverts and not all introverts are highly sensitive, but a larger percentage of highly sensitive people are introverts than extroverts. Both my husband and I are introverts, but I am a highly sensitive and more social whereas my but my husband is quieter and is not highly sensitive

Before reading this book, I’d always felt confused by this seeming contradiction in my personality. Even in my own mind, introverts were quiet and stoic people, but my emotions were easily influenced by my surroundings. I laugh easily and cry even more easily. None of this seemed to jive with the rest of my introverted characteristics. Cain’s book helped me understand my own personality and wiring better and also helped me appreciate how some of the things I’ve always considered flaws in myself can actually add value to my relationships and community.

I know I’m not alone in struggling to understand myself, the way I’m wired, and how I fit in with my family, my community, and with society. In fact, so many people responded positively to Quiet that Susan Cain and a team of collaborators have decided to launch a lifestyle website dedicated to exploring the value of being an introvert in an extrovert’s world. The website, Quiet Revolution, launches today and is designed to empower and connect introverts across the globe.

If you’re an introvert, you should read Quiet. If you’re not an introvert, you probably love someone who is, so you should still read this book. And if you are interested in participating in an online community of writers, thinkers, and influencers who are all introverts, you should head over to the Quiet Revolution site and check it out.

The world needs to re-think Quiet, because introverts have ideas worth listening to, even if they aren’t the ones shouting the loudest.

28 comments

  4. Reblogged this on Art Strings and commented:
    This is an example of how introverts like myself need quiet to recharge and regroup, even in a social setting. The post is a breath of fresh air for all introverts every where who can identify with the author of the book, “Quiet” and Lily’s blog.

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  6. I love this kind! Makes people see their mis-perception of quiet people, ‘introverts’, and makes them see their mistake (giving negative meaning to the word introvert).

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  9. You remember when we speek about translation ? For this book in frensh they translate : “The strength of the discrete. The Power of Introverts in a world too talkative”… you feel the difference? This is very subtle 😀

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    1. I really like that one! “The strength of the discrete.” It is subtle, but the word discreet has a much more positive connotation to me. Being discrete is a good quality to have.

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  13. Absolutely lovely post. I relate to your words so much. I, too, am a highly sensitive introvert. I read Quiet a few years ago and it changed my life. I honestly used to think there was something wrong with me for being so quiet. Quiet helped me embrace my introversion and appreciate it so much more. Now, I think, I’ll have to check out Quiet Revolution. 🙂

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    1. Thanks! I’m glad to hear from someone else who can relate. You should definitely check out Quiet Revolution – as it continues to grow I think it will be a great resource for people like us trying to live well in a world that caters to extroverts.

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      1. Absolutely. We’re lucky to be living in a time when the beauty of the introvert is starting to be spoken about openly. Susan Cain did a beautiful thing with Quiet and it’s so reassuring to see her work continue. I look forward to seeing more understanding and acceptance of the quieter nature among both extroverts and introverts alike in the future. 🙂

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  15. Very informative, thanks! And, feel a whole lot less guilty about needing to recharge on my own rather than in the company of others.

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    1. Yes! I think that’s so important to accepting the way you are wired and learning to thrive in that – not feeling guilty for knowing what you need and doing what it takes for you to be healthy and happy.

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  17. I’ve been wanting to read this book for quite some time. I am definitely an introvert – not sure where I am on the Sensitive scale, but I truly need “alone” time to recharge. I will check out the website too, thanks!

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    1. I really can’t recommend it enough. Partly because it has helped me understand myself and others better and partly because it’s just genuinely fascinating information. I also really appreciate the way the book tears down the stereotypes of “All introverts are like x or y” and also points out the many subtle ways that our society promotes an extroverted ideal. It helped me understand and respect why I’m not good at certain things or comfortable with certain things that seem like necessities in the work force these days.

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