I’ve been thinking the last few days about some of the lessons I’ve been learning over the past few years. I think one of the biggest ones is simply that there are many, many times in life when you don’t get what it seems like you “deserve.” I’ve been thinking a lot about my habit of trying to earn things, trying to prove my worth through good actions.
As a child I tried to be invisible, and when I had to be visible, to be helpful. I stayed in my room and I read. I played make-believe games with my dolls and toys and dress-up clothes and sometimes with my imaginary friend Sammy the Squirrel. I was afraid to ask for things. Though no one ever said these words I somehow believed, “You are in the way,” “You are a burden.” “It’s your job to keep others from being stressed at all costs.” When I visited my dad (my birth dad) I stayed in my room or watched tv. I often made his breakfast or lunch for him, set the table, folded the napkins nicely, cleaned up after myself.
In high school I was a model student. Certainly I had moments of being a moody teenager or moments where I spoke disrespectfully, but by and large I was a teenager most parents would kill for. I didn’t sneak out, I didn’t party, I never smoked, never drank, never so much as held hands with a boy, never said a curse word. I made straight A’s without being hounded about it. I got into several great colleges with full scholarships. I chose the best people available as my friends. I never broke my curfew. I never lied about where I was going or who I was going with. I was grateful for things and I was mostly respectful. I helped around the house. I was kind to my sisters. I served at my church. I genuinely loved the Lord.
This is the sum total of my obvious sins during those four years: There was a boy I liked very much, although I never told him and nothing ever came of it, I liked him. I totaled my mom’s car the first time I drove alone, not because I was being wild…I somehow am the only person I know who could manage to total a Volvo while going 20 mph. I was sometimes disrespectful or had a bad attitude. I loathed my English teacher. And for three weeks I had a secret blog which I then felt guilty about and deleted.
And yet…I spent most of high school with my stomach in knots. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. No matter how badly I wanted to make everyone happy and how good I was trying to be, I would inevitably do something wrong, make someone angry, disappoint someone. And whether it was wearing too much make-up (while wearing the same amount I wore every day) or disagreeing with a pronouncement, or forgetting something I was supposed to remember, the overwhelming feeling was that no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.
It’s not as if I think about these things regularly. In fact, I rarely think about them. And it isn’t that good things never happened to me. I have great memories of special times with my family. I have a mom who is one of my dearest friens. I had a prom dress that made me feel like Belle. I went to a wonderful college. I made good friends. I married the love of my life. I had the most beautiful wedding I could have imagined. I was able to take some amazing trips. I got to spend the last year helping to raise some of the sweetest kids imaginable. And these are the things I hold onto.
I am twenty-four years old and it’s time for me to stop believing that if I’m good enough I will eventually have the things I want. That if I’m smart enough I can have a job I love. That if I’m kind enough I will have friends and won’t be lonely. That if I’m generous enough I won’t have to worry about money anymore. The reality is, sometimes, I am good enough and helpful enough and my dad (my birth dad) still doesn’t love me. Sometimes I work hard enough and I’m still not the best or the smartest and I don’t get the job I want. Sometimes I am as generous and giving as I am capable of being and that isn’t rewarded with financial stability. Sometimes I am as kind and friendly as I know how to be and my coworkers still all go to lunch together and don’t invite me. Sometimes I am disciplined with my eating and work hard with my body and run more miles than I’ve ever thought I was capable of and I am still ten pounds overweight and I still can’t sleep some nights from stomach aches.
Lily Ellyn 
Lily, Emily Goldberg told me about your blog and I have been reading for the past couple of months! I feel like you are one of those people who I wish I would have gotten to know better in my english classes at Wheaton! Thanks so much for wriitng. Wow, I so often have felt like I am not enough either. Thanks for reminding me of the truth!!
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Heather! Thanks so much for reading and especially for taking the time to comment. It’s soooo encouraging to me how many friends and even acquaintances are reading my words and affirming, yes! you’re not the only one. I’m really thankful for that. I also wish we’d gotten to know each other better in school. I think it’s hard while we’re there for us to fully appreciate all the wonderful people who surround us at Wheaton. Thanks so much for stopping by. Now I’m gonna go check out your blog… 🙂
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I love my little sister!!
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She loves you too!
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not a coincidence at all! I think we are almost the same person… I grew up the daughter of a pastor of a large church… to say that I tried to be enough is an understatement. I see it coming up in life now that I’m 27 too. I often think that because I’ve been good and give offering every sunday and have done missions, I deserve and am entitled to a good and easy life where everything works out and God provides us with piles of cash. Sigh. Thanks for the reminder that no matter what we do, or don’t do, we’re enough b/c of Jesus!
p.s. LOVE the blog facelift!
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Thank you! I kept meaning to change some things around, but never seemed to have enough time if I was also posting. Eventually, someday, one day I will do a big re-vamp and make it look really cool. 🙂 I also keep trying to use pictures in my posts and I have a lot of trouble getting them to display correctly. And then I get frustrated and quit. So figuring out my issues with pictures is another thing on the list.
I agree that we’re basically the same person. In fact, on Sunday I am going to get my hair colored and I am showing my stylist a picture of you from your blog and saying, can you make my hair that beautiful color? Not creepy, right…? 🙂
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creepy, no way! ahhh! I’m SOOO flattered!!! red-heads have the most fun! post a pic on the blog afterwards!
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Lily
To my niece “the girl with tiny hands”…I too have held those precious, beautiful, wonderfully perfect and yet oh so tiny hands…the ones God created, the ones that are no mistake because He chose them to be yours (and He doesn’t make mistakes)…the ones that write the most beautiful, tender, heartfelt words that fall on paper (or computer) for others to see/read.
I’ve been wondering since I read your post, when God might give you the opportunity to do what you love so much (writing), to take you to those exotic places, or give you a glamorous life, or provide you with tons of money…but then I think, maybe He has and you can actually do what you love so much from right where God has you at this very moment…you desire it, you dream about it, you have studied it…and most importantly we all know you already possess the wonderful God-given ability to do it…what if you were to write about the things you love…just take 45 minutes a day…create short fictional inspiring stories…use your experiences…especially the ones with a precious friend (whose name starts with an “L”)…embellish them with your creativity and knowledge of God’s Word…present them for publication to places like In-Touch Magazine, Focus on the Family, or other Christian or even non-Christian magazines like Reader’s Digest. So what if they never get published, so what if you never make a nickle off of them…you still get to do what you love, maybe even encourage or change a life along the way. Because they will get read…again, they may end up in the pile somewhere that never gets published, but someone will read them before making that decision. Someone may be encouraged by your writing, by the fun, silly, joyous experiences with “L”, and Godly lessons you could put into those stories. Who knows whose life you may touch…then again, you may never know until Heaven. But one thing you will know…and that is that you are using those precious beautiful, wonderfully perfect and yet oh so tiny hands to do something God impressed deep within you soul…writing…writing for the joy of it…writing with enthusiasm…writing with thanksgiving…writing with the pleasure of knowing God is smiling upon you and those precious, tiny and oh so perfect hands that He fashioned just for you.
I love you,
Aunt Pam
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Aunt Pam!
Thanks so much for your sweet, kind, and encouraging words. Thank you for taking the time to share them with me and for being one of the people in my life I know is always for me. This was so special to me. Thank you.
I love you too!
Lily
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This made my heart nod in agreement & my eyes get watery. As always, thanks for being who you are.
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